The Moment I Knew

Portia's POV

I look at the clock on the wall. It's almost 7 pm. I'm pretty sure that the guests are already coming in. I grab my phone and read the last text conversation I had with Ellen at noon.

Have you had your lunch? What time will you be coming home? X P.

Yeah, I have. I'll be home at 6, baby. No worries. I wouldn't miss my wife's birthday party for the world, would I? X E.

I hope not. Please be back soon. You've been working too hard. X P.

I'll be there as soon as I finish these goddamn paperworks, darling. I love you. X E.

Love you too. X P.

I sigh in exasperation as I bang my phone on the table. It's already 7 and the party will start in no time at all and Ellen doesn't even answer my calls. Where the hell is she?!

I hear a knock on the door and Jen's face pops out. 

"Portia, are you alright? Why haven't you come down? Almost everybody's here," Jen asks as she goes in and closes the door. 

"Yeah... I just... You know, I'm waiting for Ellen. I can't start the party without her, now can I?" I bury my face in my hands.

"Oh, honey..." Jen sits next to me and hugs me. "She might be late, but you know she'll come. She loves you more than she loves her job." 

"Oh I bet she does," I roll my eyes.

Jen laughs a little and stands up. "Come on. You can't keep the guests waiting forever just because of your workaholic wife." 

I take a deep breath and stand up with her. I follow Jen down the stairs and see that the house's large backyard is already full with people, talking to each other. It's a very huge, yet warm and lovely house that Ellen bought for us to live in after we got married. But lately the 'warm and lovely' words started to slipout. 

Ellen is barely at home. She spends like maybe 16 or sometimes 18 hours of her day at her office. Can you imagine? 18 fucking hours of working. Who the hell works for 18 hours a day?

Now, the house just feels like a huge..... and empty house. 

"There she is! Our birthday woman!" a man's voice snaps me out of my trance as the guests start cheering. I force a half-hearted smile as Jen squeezes my hand a bit before pushing me to give a warm welcome speech. 

"Good evening, everybody. I wanna thank y'all so much for being here, for coming to this humble house to celebrate my birthday," I stop a bit to let the crowd cheer. 

"You guys are my closest friends that I consider as my brothers, my sisters, my mothers, and fathers that has completed my life over the years. So I really want to thank y'all so much for this and please know that I really, really love you all. Enjoy the party!" I say as I smile and the crowd starts to clap again before returning back to their warm conversations with one another. 

I check my phone one last time before I jump into the middle of the guests. Still no texts or calls from Ellen. 

I take a deep breath and one of the songs that I hear sometimes on the youtube playlist starts to play in my head. 

You should've been there,

Should've burst through the door,

With that 'baby I'm right here' smile,

And it would've felt like,

A million little shining stars had just aligned,

And I would've been so happy.

"Hi, Portia! Happy birthday, girl!" I hear as I turn to see Jennifer Lawrence opens her arms to hug me. 

"Thank you, my favorite actress of all time!" I (force a) laugh and hug her back. Jennifer laughs and says that she's really flattered. I talk with her more for a bit before saying that I should probably see the other guests. 

I walk through the crowd while holding my small purse, hoping there'll be a call or text from Ellen saying that she's sorry for being late but she's already on her way home. 

I laugh a little at my own wishful thinking but my eyes are still somehow roaming the room, searching for Ellen. Searching for my wife.

"Portia! Happy birthday!" I hear as I see Chris Evans smiling in front of me. I hug him. "Thank you so much for coming! It's really wonderful to have you here, Chris," I reply with a smile. Chris laughs. "Oh, come on. Everybody wants to come to this party!" he says and I laugh a little. "How've you been doing? You're having a cool birthday?" 

“Yeah, yeah. It’s been really great, y’know,” I said. I hear Chris says some other words but I just can’t focus on the conversation, or in fact, any conversations at all. I look at the door every once in a while, hoping that Ellen will burst out from inside the house to the garden and everybody will be cheering happily. Because you know, who doesn’t love Ellen?

Christmas lights glisten,

I've got my eye on the door,

Just waiting for you to walk in,

But the time is ticking,

People ask me how I've been

As I comb back through my memory,

How you said you'd be here,

You said you'd be here

And it was like slow motion
Standing there with my party dress
In red lipstick
With no one to impress
And they're all laughing 
As I'm looking around the room
But there's one thing missing
And that was the moment I knew

I greet almost everybody who comes to the party, taking one shot of drink after another and dance with some of my closest friends. People start to ask me the same questions everytime I say hi.

“Hi! Oh my gosh, happy birthday! This party is amazing. Where is Ellen?” 

I’d only smile and smoothly answer that my wife has to stay at her office because of some serious and unexpected problems. People will nod and say what a shame that she has to work on my birthday. And I’d keep smiling and say "well, that’s the risk of marrying a Covergirl!” cheerfully. People laugh everytime I say that and they’d pat my back and hug me to say a final thanks. 

It’s been hours. It’s almost 10 pm and I can’t believe that Ellen hasn’t even texted me. Not even a word. My heart starts to hurt while my body starts to feel numb of all the shots I’ve been drinking. I almost can’t look straight anymore. 

In all of a sudden, I feel the urge to escape the party.

I just want to cry alone in my room. I hate this party. I hate this dress I’m wearing. I hate my make up. I hate the noise. I hate the hugs. 

I just want my wife.

I stagger through the crowd, trying to leave the garden and go back into my house. I’m fully aware that some people are noticing me while Jen follows me and says “sorry, she doesn’t feel well,” to everybody in the way. 

Thank god for a friend like her. 

I finally manage to get out of the crowd and I half-run into the house. I feel sick. I run down the hall to the guest bathroom and lock the bathroom’s door before uncontrollably throwing up. 

“Portia, are you okay?” I hear Jen’s voice on the other side of the door. 

“Portia, darling, please open the door,” I hear another voice. I think it’s probably Lauren’s.

I look at my reflection in the mirror and a tear finally slips out and rolls down my cheek. I quickly erase it. Telling myself to be strong. To also understand Ellen. 

But I know full well that I'm crushed inside.

“Gosh, Ed… Why aren’t you here?” I said to myself, not paying attention to my and Ellen’s friends knocking on the door. 

“You said you’d be here…” I whisper to myself. 

And the hours pass by,
Now I just wanna be alone,
But your close friends always seem to know
When there's something really wrong,
So they follow me down the hall,
And there in the bathroom,
I try not to fall apart,
And the sinking feeling starts,
As I say hopelessly,
"She said she'd be here."

And it was like slow motion,
Standing there in my party dress,
In red lipstick,
With no one to impress,
And they're all laughing,
And asking me about you,
But there was one thing missing,
And that was the moment I knew.

“Portia, we’re really worried. Please let us in,” Jen’s voice snaps me out of my own thought. I take a really deep breath and walk towards the door, opening it. 

Jen’s let out a big relief sigh and she quickly hugs me. 

“I’m sorry Ellen can’t be here,” Jen whispers to my ear and that was it. My walls fall down into pieces. 

I cry hysterically until I’m out of breath. And I feel some other hands rub my back, trying to soothe and comfort me. Tears are flowing from my eyes uncontrollably.

“She said she’d be here…” I sob. And I hate myself for being so childish. 

Crying over this is so stupid.

What do you say
When tears are streaming down your face
In front of everyone you know?
And what do you do when the one
Who means the most to you
Is the one who didn't show?

”I can’t do this… I can’t do this,” I say it over and over again while Jen whispers things I can’t hear anymore.

You should've been here.
And I would've been so happy...

And it was like slow motion,
Standing there in my party dress,
In red lipstick,
With no one to impress,
And they're all standing around me singing
"Happy birthday to you",
But there was one thing missing,
And that was the moment I knew.

I sit on my bed and I cross my arms to my shoulders, trying to hug myself. Jen promised to speak for me for the closing of the party and I can’t thank her enough. 

I strip down my expensive party dress that just means nothing to me right now. I leave it on the floor and I lay down. Holding my phone.

As if on cue, my phone’s suddenly ringing. It’s Ellen. 

I absent-mindedly press the answer button. 

“Ha-“

“Portia, darling, I am so so sorry. Gosh I was just about to leave when the whole electricity went down and I had to take care of the office and my phone’s dead and I’m really really sorry I didn’t make it. I am SO, SO sorry, sweetheart. Please don’t hate me,” I hear Ellen’s sweet voice in the other end. 

Hate her? I don’t think that’s possible for me. I sigh. I love her too much.

You called me later,
And said, "I'm sorry, I didn't make it,"
And I said, "I'm sorry too,"
And that was the moment I knew.

I smile sadly and say, “I’m sorry too,”.