I’ll let you be my MAID?! Seriously?
Portia didn’t make an effort to hide the annoyance on her face while she followed Ellen into her large apartment room.
“Don’t think that I won’t ask for any compensation from you,”
Portia stopped admiring the large living room that was basking in the warm sunlight and turned her head to Ellen’s voice.
Ellen put down her coffee on the small table that was full with music sheets and books. She then straightened her back and looked straight to Portia. “Do you know how much loss have you caused?”
“No,” Portia mumbled honestly.
“Regina said that you won’t be able to pay for it if I ever ask you.”
Portia stayed silent. She subconsciously grasped her sweater tightly. It seemed like the loss that she had caused was actually that big.
“So, just so you know, Regina herself asked me not to burden you,” Ellen scoffed and muttered, “Burden you. Look who’s burdened here.”
Again, Portia kept quiet. Well, what could she possibly say in this particular situation? Exactly, nothing.
Ellen DeGeneres stretched out her hand, her palm facing up.
Portia stared at the hand confusedly, and then looked back at Ellen.
“My key,” Ellen mumbled.
“Oh,” Portia realized that she still had Ellen’s key after helping her opening the door. She quickly handed it back to the owner.
“Now, you must be eager to start up with your new work here,” Ellen said while she threw the key to the table. “What about making me a decent breakfast? The kitchen’s over there.”
Portia turned her head to Ellen’s finger direction, and then she sighed in her heart. She’s the one who wanted to do this, right? She’s the one who came up here and offered herself to help this woman. She’s the one who seek for more trouble. So….. oh, alright! She couldn’t take her words back by now anyway.
“What do you want for breakfast?” Portia asked half-heartedly while walking to the kitchen.
“Surprise me,” Ellen replied nonchalantly and threw another insipid smile to Portia. “I like surprises.”
Portia’s footsteps was abruptly stopped when she saw the kitchen that looked completely like a chaotic mess. Coffee beans were scattered everywhere on the table and on the floor, mingled with the broken cups and bottles. Puddles of water could be seen on the table and also on the floor.
What actually happened here?
“Oh, I just remembered, you can also clean the kitchen up.”
“What happened here?” Portia asked. But Ellen didn’t care to give any answer. Portia turned her head and realized that Ellen had already left her place. A second later, Portia heard a door was shut. It looked like the woman had gone inside her bedroom.
Portia snorted and looked back at the mess she was facing. She could guess what actually happened here. Ellen DeGeneres was clearly trying to make herself a cup of coffee, but she wasn’t used to using just one hand. And….. this was the outcome.
Portia looked over her shoulder to the empty living room. “And what did she say? She doesn't need any help?” she sniffed, “Yeah, right.”
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Ellen DeGeneres sat down and was quickly stunned when she looked at the breakfast that Portia had just ‘made’ for her. “What is this?” she asked.
“What?” Portia asked innocently. “What’s with it?”
“Milk and cereal?” the woman asked with a sign of disbelief in her voice while looking up to Portia. “It’s the best you can do?”
Portia squinted her eyes a bit listening to the mocking tone on Ellen’s voice. “It’s all I could find in your kitchen,” she said in defence.
“I’m pretty sure there’s still bacon and some eggs,” Ellen muttered.
“Nope. Nothing,” Portia replied firmly, “unless you hide it in your bedroom."
Ellen scowled her face at Portia. “Bread,” she tried again, “I’m sure I still have breads."
Portia nodded. “You do, but it’s already passed its expiration date. I disposed it because I thought you might not want to eat moldy breads.”
Ellen still scowled as though it was Portia’s fault that the bread was moldy.
“Really, there’s nothing in your kitchen,” Portia stated once more. And then she added with a softer voice, “You should’ve known that because you’re the one who live here."
Ellen DeGeneres squinted her eyes while looking at Portia, making Portia wanted to take some steps back once more.
“Well, if you want to, I can also help you buying the daily needs or anything you need and bring it up here by this evening, after I’m done teaching,” Portia offered her help.
Before Ellen could give any answer, the doorbell rang. Portia automatically turned her head to the door, and then back at Ellen.
“What are you waiting for?” Ellen asked.
Portia looked at her confusedly.
“Open the door.”
“Oh.”
Portia sighed in her heart listening to the sharp tone on Ellen’s voice. Really, she didn’t have any idea why Ellen DeGeneres should be….. Oh, alright, to be very honest, she did. She did know why Ellen had to be so cynical, especially to her.
Reluctantly, Portia walked to the door and opened it. A man, quite tall but not remarkably tall, not too young but not too old, and with dark hair, was staring at her with raised eyebrows. “Who are you?” he asked bluntly, but there was no sharp tone on his voice.
Before Portia got the chance to answer him, Ellen DeGeneres’ voice was heard behind her. “Come in, Andy.”
Portia stepped aside to let the man in. The man who looked like a very professional business man walked past Portia straight to the living room.
“Who’s the girl?” Portia heard him asking Ellen. “And what did you mean by cancelling all – oh dear lord! What happened to you? What happened to your hand?!”
Portia closed the door and trailed her steps to the living room.
“That’s why I said I need to clear my schedules till the end of this year,” Ellen said while leaning her back to the couch.
“This is a disaster,” Andy mumbled. He then pulled out a cellphone from his pocket and started to type some numbers. “I need to start calling people. This is really a disaster. But, tell me how did your hand end up like that?”
Ellen turned to look at Portia and vaguely smiled. “The person who have caused this in the first place, is standing right behind you,” she said to Andy.
Andy turned and stared at Portia. “You?” he asked in surprise. “You broke her wrist?”
“No! It was an accident,” Portia replied quickly. And then she added quietly, “And her wrist isn’t really broken."
Andy tilted his head a bit. “Well, accident or no accident, we still need to start counting the compensation.”
“Uhm, about that….” Portia blinked, stole a glance at Ellen who rested her head on the back of the couch, staring at the ceiling.
“She’s Regina’s friend.”
Portia and Andy turned their heads to Ellen simultaneously.
“She’s Regina’s friend,” Ellen repeated. “So you don't need to bother asking for any compensation.”
Andy shrugged his shoulders carelessly. “Regina’s friend or not….”
“She won’t be able to compensate for all of those, eitherway,” Ellen cut him. Her eyes switched from Andy to Portia. “But, she had thought of an alternative way to redeem herself.”
Andy raised his left eyebrow. “Yeah? How?”
“Andy, I present you,” Ellen said while swinging her right arm to Portia’s direction, “This….. wait, what’s your name again? Ah, nevermind. Andy, this is my new house housekeeper.”
Maid and housekeeper. Portia sighed inside her heart. Well, that seemed to be exactly her position in this house.
Andy gave her a small smile. “Housekeeper, huh?”
What else could Portia say or do beside stretching her hand out to Andy. “Hi, I’m Portia. Portia de Rossi.”
Andy’s smile widened and he shook Portia’s hand firmly. “Andy Lassner. I’m Ellen’s agent plus her manager plus one of her bestfriends – or more likely, the only one she has other than Regina,” he said. “So, you’re also Regina’s friend?”
“Yeah, kind of,” Portia got the impression that this Andy Lassner was a nice person.
“You guys can continue your chit-chat later,” Ellen interjected. “Now, we have other important things to discuss about.”
Andy turned his head to Ellen. “Okay, okay.”
Reminded of her position, Portia asked doubtfully, “Wanna have a cup of coffee?”
“Sounds nice,” Andy said. “Thanks.”
Portia realized that Ellen was glaring at her suspiciously. What? As a housekeeper here I also need to serve drinks for the guest, right? she grunted in her heart. Why did the woman need to glare at her like that, as though she didn’t believe that Portia had the ability to brew coffee.Or did she think that Portia might put something into her coffee and kill her?
“You want coffee?” Portia asked shortly, to Ellen this time.
Ellen still seemed to hesitate, but finally answered. “Yes.”
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Ellen and Andy were talking on their phones when Portia came back to the living room. Ellen didn’t lift her face at all when Portia put down her cup of coffee on the table in front of her, but she stood up from the couch, walked slowly towards the balcony and stood there. Portia stared at her for a moment, and then she switched her attention to Andy who had finished his conversation.
“Thank you,” said Andy, reaching for his coffee.
“I have caused some large problems, haven’t I?” Portia asked him.
Andy looked at the girl. “Of course,” he replied lightly.
Portia bit her lips and gripped the edge of the tray she held. “How bad?”
“Don’t just stay there like a real housekeeper. Come sit here,” Andy said and then took a sip of his coffee. “Wow, this coffee is amazing.”
Portia sat with her back straightened up, still facing Andy. “How bad?” she asked once more.
“Calm down,” Andy said again, still with the light tone on his voice and his wide smile. “Just leave it to me. There’s nothing I can’t handle.”
Andy’s confident answer had somehow soothed Portia. She stole a glance at Ellen who was still facing the glass door on the balcony, staring outside while talking on the phone.
Portia leaned her body toward Andy and whispered, “Is she really famous?”
Andy practically leaned his body too. “Ellen? Of course.”
Portia’s eyes widened. “Really?”
Andy chuckled softly. “Well, she’s not famous among the teenagers and common public like most of those pop stars,” he said, “but her name is very well-known in some certain social circles. If you were a pianist or a musician, you must've recognized her name.”
Portia nid-nodded her head slowly. “I see…”
Right at that moment, Ellen rejoined them on the couch. She threw her phone to the table.
“How was it?” Andy asked her.
“Fucked up,” she replied grimly. “Well, what did you expect?”
She reached for her cup of coffee and sipped it. She stopped for a while like she was stunned and Portia subconsciously held her breath. What? What now? But Ellen didn't say anything. She took another sip of her coffee. And then another one.
And Portia finally exhaled in relief.
“Why are you staring at me like that?” Ellen suddenly asked, turning her head to Portia.
Portia startled and blinked. “What? No. I wasn’t staring at you.”
Ellen squinted her eyes. “Are you enjoying the mess that you made?”
“No!” Portia retorted quickly. “I’m not that kind of person.”
Ellen shrugged. “Who knows?” she muttered indifferently, taking another sip of her coffee.
Dear lord, this woman’s really….. Portia bit her lips and trying to hold back herself to not really throw the tray that she was still holding straight to Ellen DeGeneres’ head.
She stood up and mumbled. “I need to go.”
“Oh, please don’t let this woman makes you upset,” Andy said. “She’s always that way.”
Ellen glared at her friend.
Portia smiled to Andy. “No. I really need to get going. I’ve got a class to teach this noon.”
“What do you teach?” Andy asked.
“Contemporary dance.”
“Ah, you’re a dancer. Cool.”
“Have you cleaned up the kitchen?” Ellen interjected flatly.
Portia sighed in her heart. It’s really weird how Ellen DeGeneres could make one’s mood to be heavy and somber with one short sentence. “I have,” she answered. “You want to check it first?”
“Later maybe,” Ellen said while sipping her coffee.
“Okay then. There’s still coffee in the kitchen if you guys want some,” she said, and then walked back to the kitchen to put the tray and grab her bag. She went back to the living room and Andy stood up from the couch.
“I’ll walk you to the door,” he said.
Portia smiled brightly to him. This was the first good treatment she had received since she woke up in the morning. Andy’s a great man, she thought. Very different from the woman who was still sitting on the couch with her left hand bandaged and surly face.
Portia turned, and then stopped. She hesitated for a moment. She must be out of her mind to ask, but she finally turned her head to Ellen and reluctantly asked, “Do you want me to come over here again this evening?”
She really hoped that the woman would say: No, thanks a lot. I don’t need anything, so just stay away from me.
“No,” Ellen replied shortly.
Her hope was successfully granted. Portia nodded. “Alright.”
“We’re about to leave anytime soon, anyway,” Andy explained to Portia. “There are lots and lots of people we need to meet and there are also lots and lots of problems we need to solve. So, we’re gonna be busy for the rest of the day.”
“Exactly. We need to solve the problems you have caused,” Ellen added monotonely.
Portia turned her head back to Ellen. Really, she didn't need to be reminded of all the ‘trouble’ she had caused every second. If it wasn’t for all of those ‘troubles’, then she wouldn’t even be here by now.
And beside, this ‘trouble’ wasn’t entirely her fault. If she really wanted to injure Ellen, she wouldn’t have broken her wrist. She would’ve done something so much worse. Like,…
“But, you can come here tomorrow morning,” Ellen said, cutting Portia’s thoughts that had just started to ramble.
“Huh?”
“Tomorrow morning, 8 o’clock,” Ellen said flatly.
“What are you gonna do? I can come and give some help, if I may,” Andy interjected, looking at Portia and Ellen.
Ellen looked back at Andy. “You want to be my manager and my housekeeper?”
Andy smiled widely. “No, thanks a lot. I’ve risked my life enough by being your manager.”
“Great.” Ellen turned her stare back at Portia. “You may leave now.”
For god’s sake. The last words she heard from Ellen DeGeneres and the way she said those words had just made Portia feel as though she’s really the woman’s lacquey. She almost couldn’t believe that she was the one who threw herself to this trouble voluntarily – almost literally. But, who knew that Ellen DeGeneres could be such an annoying human being?
Well, guess it’s true what people said. Regrets always comes way too late.
