So that weekend, Portia was back on the stage. The building was jammed with sea of people in it. There was not a single seat left unoccupied that night. Everybody wanted to see Portia de Rossi dancing live after they had read dozens of positive reviews from the media. That night, every single eye was on Portia. Everybody wanted to witness the magic of Portia de Rossi, who was praised by Dee Black and was said as one of the top 5 best contemporary dancers in the world.
Portia understood the big responsibility that was put on her shoulders and her shoulders only. And as the latest show, her performance wasn't disappointing at all. Nobody could say that the media's reviews were 'overrated'. She succeeded on making the audience fell in love with the dance, the story, and herself. The building almost exploded when the show ended. The audience gave an endless standing applause when Portia appeared on the center of the stage to give her final bow before the curtain went down.
Each member of her big family was very proud of her. People talked about the show in admiration and amazement. Press praised Portia's performance again and again in every media. Now, the world had recognized the name of Portia de Rossi, and admitted her as one of the best dancers that had ever existed.
But as suspected, Portia didn't feel well by the end of the show, but she didn't lose her consciousness like the last time. She fell unconscious the day after. And since that day, she was too weak that she was almost unable to do anything, and she relapsed more than once in one day.
5 days after the show, Dr. Schultz obligated Portia to be hospitalized and Portia's name was now at the top of the critically-waiting-for-a-heart-donor list.
At the moment, Portia's condition wasn't a secret anymore. Even Dee Black, who had already flown back to Miami with her group, flew back to New York to see Portia after she heard the news.
Portia's parents and Ellen were, of course, the ones to be seen at the hospital most often. But after 2 weeks of staying at the hospital, Ellen could sense that there's a change in Portia's demeanor towards her. Portia started to ignore her. The girl didn't talk as much to her either. Initially, Ellen understood and thought that it was normal. Well however, right now Portia was much more weaker, so it was quite likely for her to stay quiet.
But one morning, when Ellen had stepped into the room as she always did for the past weeks, Portia stared at her and asked coldly, "Ellen, why do you keep on coming here everyday?"
"Mm?" Ellen mumbled and looked to the girl who was lying on the hospital bed. The cheerful and alive face was now replaced with pale face, dark circles under her eyes, and gaunt feature. Portia de Rossi looked very fragile, and the only thing that showed people that she was still fighting to be alive was the shine in her eyes. And Ellen knew that something's off when she called her 'Ellen' instead of 'Ed'.
Her blue eyes were staring at Ellen sharply, and then she looked away to the window of her room. "You don't have to come here everyday," she muttered.
Ellen shrugged lightly. "I don't mind at all."
"No. Go," Portia insisted. "Do whatever you used to be doing before you had to accompany me here everyday."
Ellen frowned deeply. "But, de Rossi..."
"Go," Portia interjected harshly, still not looking at Ellen. And then she closed her eyes and mumbled slowly, "Just go... Please, just go..."
And since that day, Portia rejected to see Ellen.
"She doesn't wanna see me?" Ellen asked confusedly when she went back to the hospital the next day. "Why?"
Portia's mom sighed heavily and shook her head. "I really don't know, Ellen. Maybe she just wants to be alone today." She smiled apologetically, trying to soothe Ellen. "Why don't you come back here tomorrow? Maybe she'd feel a lot better."
But Portia still didn't want to see Ellen the next day. And the next day. And the day after that. This situation frustrated Ellen so much. She didn't understand why in all of a sudden, the girl refused to talk to her, or do anything with her, or basically just to see her face. Portia always let other people came to see her. She let Paolo and Eleanor in, she let Regina and Karl in, she let Jennifer in. She even met Betty and Vance. But she still refused to let Ellen in. Ellen started to wonder about the things she had done. Had she done something wrong?
Had she done something that made the girl upset? She really didn't get it.
And even though Portia didn't want to see her, Ellen kept on coming to the hospital every single day. She basically didn't any idea of other things she could do beside that. She just needed to be close to Portia. Even though at the moment the girl didn't justify her presence and ignored her, at the very least Ellen could sit outside Portia's room and that's kind of equal with being near to and with Portia.
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This is the fifteenth day Ellen came to the hospital and received an apologetic smile from Portia's mom. Ellen could only reply with a lousy smile to the woman who looked tortured not to be able to let Ellen in. Without saying anything, Ellen sat on the uncomfortably steel bench that she had been sitting on for the last 2 weeks. 5 minutes later, the room of the door was opened. Ellen looked up to see Portia's father stepping out.
From the face of the man, Ellen knew that he didn't step outside to let her in.
"Come on, Ellen, have a coffee with me," he asked her.
Ellen raised and trailed the man to the cafeteria.
"Oh god, the coffee here is awful," Portia's father commented when they finally sat down face to face on the small round table at the cafeteria. "But I guess we should take what we can get right now."
"De Ro- I mean, Portia can make a very nice coffee," Ellen blurted out absent-mindedly.
The old man stared at Ellen for a moment. His gaze was delicate, but sad. "She is sick," he said to Ellen carefully. "That's why she acts very unusual. I hope you're not mad or offended."
Ellen looked down to her coffee. There was a lump in her throat. The man who was sitting right before her was clearly devastated and worn out of worrying about his daughter's life, but he was still trying to comfort Ellen. She was sure that right now, both of Portia's parents were very sad even though they couldn't show it in front of their daughter and had to be positive all the time.
"I understand," Ellen mumbled hoarsely. "I'm not... mad, Sir. I just hope that I didn't do anything wrong that....."
"You love her, don't you?" he asked Ellen softly. Ellen was still looking down. Admitting her feeling in front of Portia's father didn't seem to be as easy as imagined, so she only nodded a little.
"I bet she feels the same."
This time Ellen's head shot up quickly, staring at the man in front of her and smiled grimly, "I wish I could be so sure."
"She's my daughter. I know her," he stated firmly. Ellen sighed. "I just wish I would be able to hear it directly from her one day. Maybe when she wants to see me again."
"I'll try to talk to her again," he offered himself.
Ellen smiled to him, showing her sincere gratefulness to the man she had grown to respect so much. Portia's father had tried to persuade her daughter to let Ellen in --which didn't work--, and yet, he still wanted to try. And for that, Ellen was very thankful.
Suddenly Ellen remembered something. She blinked when she realized something that she had forgotten. How could she be so stupid?
"What is it, Ellen?" Portia's father worriedly asked when he saw Ellen's face.
Ellen fumbled for something inside her trouser's pocket and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper. It seemed like this paper was her last hope to make Portia agreed on seeing her. She put down the blue paper on the table and shoved it towards Portia's father who was looking at it, confused.
"I'd like to ask for a little help," Ellen asked. "Please, give this to her."
He picked up the crumpled paper and read the handwriting note on it. He smiled, and then looked back to Ellen. "And your wish?"
"I wish to be able to see her again. Just one last time, if she really doesn't wanna see me again."
Portia's father nodded and put the 'voucher' inside his own pocket. "I'll deliver it to her."
Ellen sighed in relieve. A glimpse of hope started to build up in her heart. The girl would grant the wish. She had promised her that. So she would grant Ellen's wish. And finally, Ellen would be able to see her. "Thank you, Sir."
"No. It's me who have to thank you, Ellen."
Ellen looked puzzled. "What for?"
"For loving my daughter."
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It was 2 days later that Portia finally granted Ellen's wish and let her in to see her. Portia's father patted Ellen's back softly when he and her wife exited the room, leaving Ellen and Portia on their own.
After the door was closed, Ellen shifted her sight to the girl, who was leaning back to the same pile of white pillows. Ellen found herself speechless in all of a sudden. When she was anxiously waiting outside the room earlier, she felt like there were so many things she wanted to say to Portia. So many things she wanted to ask her. But after standing there in the middle of the room and finally got to face Portia, Ellen suddenly forgot everything. Her mind just went totally blank.
"How are you?"
Portia's thin voice was heard clearly in the silent room, snapping Ellen up. She saw Portia's fingers playing with the tip of the blanket nervously. Her eyes traveled to Ellen for a second, but then averted to another direction.
"Better now," Ellen finally said and walked up to the side of the bed and sat down on the chair.
Portia swallowed and licked her dry and pale lips, then looked back to Ellen. "So, what do you want to say to me?"
Ellen didn't answer the question right away. She observed Portia's face thoroughly, she could see the pale and gaunt face, the dark circle under her eyes that somehow were still shining. The girl looked so fragile that it made Ellen's chest hurt. It hurt so bad she could barely breathe.
"This is the second time you're avoiding me," Ellen mumbled softly. "Why are you avoiding me, de Rossi?"
Something flashed on the girl's eyes but she quickly blinked and her blue eyes went back with the flat emotion on it. "I'm not avoiding you," she denied. "I just don't want you wasting your time here."
"What do you mean 'wasting my time'?"
Ignoring Ellen's question, Portia said, "You're here now. You'd better say what you want to say to me."
"Please stop avoiding me."
Portia turned to Ellen for a second, then averted her sight again. Ellen could see Portia's throat moved when she swallowed painstakingly. But the girl remained silent without saying anything. Ellen leaned forward. One of her hands was reaching out to touch Portia's. But right when the tip of her fingers were about to touch the back of Portia's hand, Ellen hesitated and stopped. Would Portia retreat herself if Ellen touched her? She felt like her heart wouldn't be able to bear another rejection right now. She wouldn't be strong enough for that. So she backed up and pulled her hand back.
"If I made you mad, I'm sorry," Ellen said. Portia blinked, then slowly said, "I'm not mad at you."
"I just..." Ellen lost her voice and she had to pause for a while to control herself. All this time, she had thought that she wasn't that kind of sensitive person who got carried away by emotions so easily, but right at this moment, there were millions of emotions inside her chest and it made it hard for her to even breathe normally.
"If you don't want to talk to me, it's okay," she continued. "If you don't want me to talk to you, it's okay, too. But please don't avoid me. Let me stay here with you."
Portia's face wrinkled a bit and she pursed her lips, but her eyes were now glistening.
"Maybe you don't need me, but I need you."
A drop of tears fell from Portia's eyes and she quickly erased it. But Ellen had already seen it, and another hope was inevitably building up inside her heart. The girl wouldn't cry if her words didn't mean anything to her, right?
This time Ellen dared herself to stretch her hand and grabbed Portia's in hers. The girl didn't show any hint of rejection and Ellen could hear her own heart thumping from behind her ribcage.
"Tell me, " Ellen whispered while staring at Portia deeply even though the girl was still staring at nothing in front of her, "how do you feel about me?"
Right after those words flowed out, a vague sob was heard from Portia's mouth. Another tears appeared while she blinked her eyes and bit her lip.
"Do you love me too? Is there just a little... a slight possibility for you to love me back?" Ellen asked quietly.
Hearing that question, Portia couldn't manage to hold back her tears anymore. Her right hand was lifted to cover her mouth while she shut her eyes and broke down into tons of sobs that caused her fragile body to severely shaking out of control. Witnessing Portia crying like that tortured Ellen. Especially when she didn't understand why Portia was suddenly crying. She could only do what she thought was the right thing to do. She stood up from her chair and sat next to Portia on the bed. Her hand was embracing Portia's shoulders, pulling her into a hug. Ellen let Portia cried on her chest while she gently pressed her cheek to Portia's head and whispered words she hoped would be enough to soothe and comfort the girl.
Portia let herself drown in Ellen's embrace, letting Ellen pressed her lips on her temple, letting Ellen rubbed her arms and her back softly to comfort her, but she still didn't answer Ellen's question.
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2 weeks later they got a news that the matching heart donor for Portia was finally available.
