Of course going home didn't do her any good. She couldn't sleep one bit.
Everytime she closed her eyes, she could feel the cold great fear that was creeping in when she witnessed Portia fell unconscious. The doctor did succeed on stabilizing her condition, but they still had to wait for Portia to wake up.
Since Portia blacked out, Ellen couldn't feel anything unless the dreadful feeling that's still looming over her. Even something as simple as thinking, was proven to be hard enough because her mind was completely hazy. She only functioned automatically, like a robot.
Ellen lay on her bed and emptily stared at the ceiling. Sometimes she would glance at her phone next to her head, assuring that the device was on. She also constantly glanced at the digital watch on her nightstand, hoping that the morning could come faster so she could take off to the hospital again. But at almost 5 am, Ellen finally fell asleep, and she was woken up 3 hours later by the ringtone of her cellphone.
From Portia's parents.
They told her that Portia had gained her consciousness back.
After hearing that news, Ellen could finally breathe again.
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When Ellen stepped into Portia's room in the hospital, she saw that girl was sitting on her bed, a pile of pillows on her back while she was talking with her parents. Right when she saw Ellen, Portia automatically smiled brightly at her. That girl looked cheerful as usual -- even though her face was still pale -- like nothing had happened the other day.
"Well, honey, now that Ellen's here, we're gonna go home to shower and change clothes. We'll be back by noon, okay?" her father said.
"Alright, Dad," Portia answered.
While her dad kissed Portia's temple softly, Portia's mom turned to Ellen and said, "Oh, Ellen, I hope you don't mind us borrowing your apartment's key from Portia. She needs some new clean clothes and I figured I could stop by your apartment to pick them up, if you don't mind."
Ellen shook her head. "Absolutely not, M'am."
Portia's mom smiled and thanked her. And then she walked up to Portia to kiss her cheek while Portia's dad was the one who approached Ellen this time. "Dr. Schultz had checked her condition earlier," he said to Ellen. "And he said that she needs to rest all day in bed today."
"Yes, Sir," Ellen replied. "I'll make sure of that."
He patted Ellen's shoulder while smiling. "I hand over my daughter to you."
After saying the last temporary good bye, Portia's parens finally left.
"Hey."
Ellen tore her sight from the door and looked to Portia. "Hey," she replied and sat on the chair provided by the side of the bed. "So how are you feeling today?"
"Much better." Portia stared at Ellen with raised eyebrows. "But you look.... terrible."
"Yeah, if you went through what I did last night, you'd look terrible, too," Ellen said and smiled grimly.
Portia returned the same smile. "I really made you guys worried, didn't I?"
Ellen raised her eyebrows at Portia and said, "Oh, no, you didn't make me worry at all."
Portia looked at Ellen in confusion but said, "Well, good."
"Yeah, you scared the shit out of me, you know."
Portia laughed and hit Ellen's arm jokingly.
Ellen smiled and took Portia's left hand. She held it for a while and her eyes were fixated on their hands. "Please don't scare me like that ever again."
Portia stared down at Ellen but didn't say anything. Instead, she asked her, "So how did people react when they saw me blacking out like that at the backstage? How did Dee react?"
"They were extremely worried, of course. But we convinced them that you're just worn out and needed some rest for couple of days," Ellen said. "And that's what you're gonna do today. Rest, rest, and rest."
"Don't worry. Please tell Dee that I'll have a total rest all day long and tomorrow. I do need to collect my last bit of energy for the show after all. It's the day after tomorrow."
Ellen tensed up. She released Portia's hand from her grip and sighed, "You're still gonna do it, aren't you?"
Portia quickly took Ellen's hand back in her hand before Ellen could move away. "Ed," she called out beggingly. "You know I have to. I have to do it."
Ellen sighed heavily. "No, you don't have to," she countered. "Have you ever thought of what could happen if you just fall unconscious while you're on stage?"
"Then I'll fall unconscious on stage," Portia giggled to herself.
Ellen frowned disapprovingly. "De Rossi, this isn't funny at all."
Portia's face turned back to serious. She stared at Ellen apologetically. "I know. I'm sorry," she mumbled. "Look, yesterday I wasn't in my best condition. But I'm pretty sure after 2 full day of rest, I'll gain my stamina back. At least enough for one last show. I'm gonna be just fine."
Ellen stared back at Portia in complete disbelief. She closed her eyes and tried to breathe normally to calm herself down. That girl was still holding her hand.
"Ed?" Portia called out softly.
Ellen opened her eyes and looked at Portia, unable to hide the great fear that was shining from her eyes. "I just think that.... I think I won't be able to bear another day like yesterday," Ellen admitted.
Portia leaned back against the pile of pillows behind her and tilted her head to look at Ellen. For a moment, she didn't say anything. Her hand still held Ellen's hand in hers, and Ellen let it be that way. Then she cleared her throat and said softly, "There will always be another bad day like yesterday, Ed. Wait, don't cut me off. Just listen to me." She squeezed Ellen's hand, pleading for her to listen. "We both know that... right now, my heart condition is keep on going down and the medications don't effectively work anymore, so yes, there will be another bad day like yesterday. I will get another attack and I will, perhaps, fall unconscious again. There's nothing we can do about that, unless I get a new heart."
Ellen slightly winced hearing the bitter truth, but Portia firmly went on. "I'm sure you know that getting a perfect match of a heart donor for me is everything but an easy task. And yes, my name had been written on the list of patients' name who needs a heart donor, but we also know that I'm not the only person in this country who needs a heart donor."
There was a lump starting to form in Ellen's throat. She remained silent. She was scared that if she tried to even open her mouth, she would do something dumb like crying at the moment.
"Do you wanna know a secret?" Portia whispered out of the blue.
Ellen blinked at the pale and fragile girl in front of her and squeezed her hand, asking her to continue. Portia smiled at her and asked, "Do you still remember the very first day we met?"
The edge of Ellen's lips lifted up, forming a small smile when she recalled the memory of the girl who had tripped from the stairs, literally flew down, hit her, and hurt her hand. "You broke my hand," Ellen mumbled with gravelly voice.
"I didn't break your hand!" Portia protested and laughed. "It was only sprained."
Ellen smiled, but didn't argue the fact. After Portia stopped laughing, she spoke again, "You know, you never asked me how could I fall from the stairs."
Ellen blinked in confusion. "What?"
"You never asked me how in the hell could I fall from the stairs," she repeated.
She's right, Ellen thought. She never even thought about it. Back then, she was too angry at the girl to even think about anything. She didn't even know anything about Portia back then. And back then, she only wanted Portia to stay away as far as possible from her. But now that she thought about that....
"How did you fall from the stairs that day?" Ellen asked.
Portia looked away to the window and took a deep breath. "That morning before I went to Small Steps, I had a meeting with Dr. Schultz because the latest test result of my heart was finally out," she started. Her voice sounded faraway, as though she was only talking in her mind. "I was told that... after every bit of efforts that we had been working on for months and months, after every horrifying pills along with its ugly side effects that I was forced to swallow each day, after the tight diet that I had been following, after doing literally everything that I needed to do in order to get just a little bit of hope that my heart condition was finally getting better, it still showed none hints of getting better. In fact, the test result showed me that everything's still going south.
"Dr. Schultz tried to keep on being optimistic, but I knew that even himself had started to lose hope. Well, so have I. So that day, when you came to Small Steps, my mind was really messed up. I was pressured, depressed, and really angry. I didn't even know who I was angry with. Maybe with my unfair life. I wasn't even aware of anything going on around me that day. The only next thing I knew was me standing at the top of the stairs, looking down, and thinking about how would it be if I just release my hand from the handgrip and let myself fall down there. Will I die? Or am I gonna be a handicap?" Portia laughed bitterly. "As I said, my mental state was severely unstable."
Ellen was staring at Portia without blinking her eyes. She was too shocked to hear the blatant confession of the girl. And then Portia turned to Ellen and said, "Just right after I had that thought, I heard your voice and Regina's. Your voice snapped me out of my hazy thoughts but it was too late to stop what's happening. You know what I was thinking when I flew down that stairs? I was thinking that... I don't wanna die yet. I still wanna live. I also don't wanna be a handicap. I still wanna dance. Everything was racing in my mind at the speed of light until I literally bumped into you."
Portia was staring at Ellen with her blue eyes full of tears. "I -- who thought about hurting myself -- ended up hurting you. You can't imagine how bad and guilty I was feeling at that moment. You were hurt because of my foolishness." She smiled sadly. "And that's why I insisted on helping you, even though you clearly hated me and didn't want to do anything with me."
Ellen leaned over to Portia and put her elbow on the bed. She stared deeply at Portia's eyes and said softly, "I didn't hate you."
Portia smiled understandingly. "But finally you accepted my offer, even though reluctantly, and for that, you have given me enough reason to stay alive." She nodded her head when Ellen looked a bit lost and confused. "Being your maid or your servant or whatever it is, had given me enough reason to live my life day by day. And then slowly, I started to realize that.... you too, have become the reason for me to stay alive."
Ellen was stunned. Was the girl thinking what she's thinking? Could she have a little bit of hope that Portia return her feelings?
But before Ellen could think of that any further, Portia pulled her hand from Ellen's. "Do you know what I really wanna do right now?" she asked and smiled at Ellen.
"What?" Ellen asked back, trying to ignore the empty feeling after Portia retreated her hand.
"I want to listen to my song."
"Your song?"
"Tu Es Mon Soleil," Portia said. After thinking for a while, she finally added. "Or Thinking of de Rossi?"
Ellen laughed and raised from her seat, "Alright, wait here."
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10 minutes had passed and Ellen still hadn't returned. Portia started to wonder where did the woman go. But right when she started to think about calling Ellen, her room's door was blasted open and Ellen went in with a wheelchair.
"Ed, where have you been?" Portia asked directly. "And why are you carrying a wheelchair?"
Ellen smiled brightly. "I asked the nurse if there's a piano in this hospital. Turned out there's one in the children's playroom," she explained. "And this," she patted the wheelchair, "is for you. Go on, sit on it and I'll bring you to the playroom."
Portia stared at the wheelchair in disagreement. "Or would you like me to carry you on my back?" Ellen teased.
"Wheelchair sounds safer."
Ellen squinted her eyes. "Liar," she laughed and chuckled to herself, "but that's okay. Off we go."
They finally arrived at the children's playroom on the 6th floor after they asked for some directions. Nobody was in the room this morning. Ellen pushed Portia and the wheelchair towards the black grand piano on one side of the room. After placing Portia next to the player chair, Ellen opened up the cover of the old piano and ran her fingers through the keys.
"Hm, it'll do," she mumbled, more to herself. And then she turned to Portia. "Okay. Ready?"
Portia tightened the blanket she was holding around her and nodded. Right after that, Ellen's fingers started to dance on the keys and the beautiful melodies started to swing around the room. Portia closed her eyes and as she once did, she began to imagine the endless and green meadow with the warm sunshine on it, the grass that was being caressed by the wind, the blue sky without a single cloud, and the smell of the spring.
Catching another vague noise behind her, Portia opened her eyes and turned her head. Her eyes widened a bit when she saw some people swarming near the door and behind the window, trying to take a look into the playroom. And then her lips formed a wide smile when she saw the small audience that Ellen had gained; they were 6 nurses, 3 doctors, and some parents with their children, who seemed to be hypnotized by the figure of Ellen who was playing the piano with full concentration. The women even sighed happily and put their hands on their chests while listening to Ellen's music.
Just like Portia was doing.
Underneath the thick flannel blanket that was covering her body, her right hand was lifted up to her chest. And just like the very first time Portia had heard the song being played, it still had the same effect on her. She could feel the song creeping into her chest, sneaking into her soul, and settled there. This song filled Portia with hope and joy. And Portia was determined to make this feeling stay as long as possible.
When the song finally ended, Portia and some people outside the room clapped for Ellen. Ellen was clearly surprised to see a group of people she had indirectly formed outside the room. She stood up and bowed down to the audience formally.
"You astonished them," Portia commented when the 'audience' left and disappeared.
"Really?" Ellen mumbled, looking at Portia. "Actually I was only intending on getting one person's heart." Portia stayed silent. She looked away and looked down to the white and black keys of the piano. Her forefinger pressed one of the key clumsily. "Thanks for playing that for me," she said.
Ellen fumbled for something inside her trouser's pocket and finally pulled out a piece of blue paper. She shoved it in front of Portia's face. Portia's eyebrows shot up when she saw the voucher again, right in front of her nose. "What?"
"As the way to thank me, I want you to grant me a wish," Ellen said lightly. Portia laughed and snatched the voucher from Ellen's hand. "And what's your wish this time?"
"Let me kiss you."
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Ellen immediately noticed Portia's whole body tensed up right after she said her wish. She knew that this was highly unexpected by the girl, but she really needed the girl to fully understand how she felt towards her. Ellen wanted Portia to understand that she had become the most important piece of Ellen's entire life, that Ellen would be willing to move even the sky and earth for Portia, that Ellen would be willing to give her own heart for Portia if it could make her stay alive.
Portia's blue eyes were still staring at Ellen's deeply, and Ellen couldn't figure out what was going on in her head, or what was the girl looking for. Ellen was sure that Portia heard her earlier. She was sure--
"Okay."
That one word was spoken very quietly that Ellen could've missed it. She blinked and stared at Portia, waiting for another confirmation.
A hint of vague and hesitant smile appeared on Portia's lips. "I think I can grant that wish."
Ellen gulped. Her heart was thumping so loud that she was scared it might jump out from behind her ribs. This was ridiculous. This wasn't her first kiss, so why was she sweating like this?
Because this is Portia de Rossi, she told herself. The one who really owned Ellen's heart in her hand. Ellen leaned over, closing the gap between her and Portia slowly, giving the chance for the girl to back up. But Portia stayed silent and remained still in her position, letting Ellen got closer to her.
When they lips finally met, Ellen was so light headed. It was as if she was floating and she was overwhelmed with so much feelings she could've exploded right there. Portia's lips were cold and Ellen didn't do anything but to put her lips on Portia's. She didn't want to scare or shock the girl.
That small kiss only lasted for 5 seconds. After that, Ellen retreated herself and smiled to Portia. "Well, it wasn't as hard as you thought, right?" she tried to joke. "I hope it wasn't that bad."
Portia fixed the position of her blanket, trying to hide herself behind it. She looked shy and clumsy, but she returned Ellen's smile. So Ellen breathed in relieve.
For couple of seconds, they only sat there in silence. Busy with their own thoughts inside their own heads. And then Ellen broke the comfortable silence that was looming over them.
"I love you."
And once again, Ellen sensed Portia tensing up on her wheelchair.
Ellen sighed softly. There, she said it. She finally said it. And she did feel a bit relieved when she finally verbalized what was in her heart and her mind.
"But I guess you already figured that out," she added lightly. Portia was still silent, not looking at Ellen, not even moving in one bit. Ellen was wondering whether she had taken a step forward too fast. But she only wanted the girl to know. That's all. At least for now. So even though Portia didn't react, Ellen wouldn't push her, because she knew that Portia had heard the 3 words loud and clear.
"I just wanted to tell you that, so you don't need to feel burdened," Ellen continued.
Silence again. But this silence wasn't as comfortable as the prior silence. There was something strange hanging in the air.
"But there's one more thing that I'd like to ask you." Ellen sighed and spoke up again. "Promise me that you'll stay alive."
Portia blinked her eyes.
"If not for me, do it for yourself."
Another silence. And then Ellen heard Portia sighed briefly before finally said, "I promise that I'll stay alive," she said slowly without averting her eyes from the piano's keys. "I will dance one more time and I will stay alive. And then I will stay alive some more until I get the right match of new heart. For myself... For my parents... For you."
