Right at that moment, she heard the front door was unlocked and opened, and Portia lifted her face expectantly. A second later a voice finally emerged, "De Rossi?"
Ellen is home, Portia thought in relieve. She couldn't leave the tall chair in the kitchen because she didn't want to just fall face first on the floor. She wasn't feeling very well at all, that's why she stayed at her place and shouted, "In the kitchen!"
A moment later Ellen walked in. She quickly frowned when she saw Portia's face. "Hey, are you okay?" she automatically touch Portia's forehead to check.
"Just a bit tired today," Portia admitted. She was sure that her face was no longer pale after Ellen touched her, because her cheeks were getting warm. "But I can't open this," she held up her pills tube.
"Give it to me," Ellen said. "Time to drink the pills?"
Portia nodded. She witnessed Ellen opening the tube with ease and started to take out other medicines that Portia needed to have from the kitchen cabinets.
Portia had been living in Ellen's place for the last 2 weeks, and everything had been going great so far. Portia went to the studio for the rehearsal everyday -- driven by Ellen who also had to go to work -- and went back to Ellen's place by noon. If she's feeling good enough, she would stop by the Small Steps before going home to see Jennifer and waited for Ellen to come home in the evening.
Her parents, especially her mother, was relieved and fully supported her decision to live with Ellen, while her father was a bit hesitant about the idea of leaving his daughter to live with somebody else. But her father then concluded that it was best if there's somebody who could look after Portia rather than letting Portia living alone in her apartment. And after her parents visited Ellen's apartment to check things out and to talk with Ellen last week, her father was more convinced about his decision.
"Here. Drink this." Ellen's voice dispersed Portia's thoughts.
She swallowed all of the pills and drank the water Ellen had prepared for her. "So how was your day?" Portia asked after she gave Ellen the empty glass to put in the dishwasher.
"Busy. But Andy is even busier," Ellen reported and smiled. "Yours?"
Portia shrugged slowly. "I had difficulty on following today's training," she admitted grimly. "My legs cramped several times."
"Tomorrow will be better," Ellen encouraged her. "But, you can tell me everything 'bout it after I shower. You know, perhaps about how Rogers stepped on your foot while you're dancing or how Rogers was unable to follow the rhythm correctly."
Portia laughed loudly. Ellen was always able to make her laugh, even in her worst days like this. "Aaron will never step on my foot, Ed, and you know he's a very good dancer," she replied. "What did he do to you that makes you dislike him so much?"
Ellen raised one of her eyebrows, but didn't answer. "I'll go shower," she said and walked out of the kitchen. But when she realized Portia stayed still on the tall chair, she went back and asked, "De Rossi, what are you doing there? Go to the living room. It's a lot warmer there."
Portia did mean to move to the living room, but she was actually waiting for Ellen to disappear before she tried to stand up and walk.
"What is it? Can you walk?" Ellen asked again when Portia didn't answer.
Portia bit her lip and slowly descended the tall chair. When her feet touched the floor, she could feel that they were strong enough to support her body. Maybe she could walk without any troubles.
Ellen sighed and said, "You know, de Rossi, if you need a hand, all you need to do is ask."
Portia gasped in shock when Ellen picked her up bridal style. "Ed! I don't need to be carried. I can walk!" she protested.
"Alright, let's just say I'm the one who wants to do this. Okay?" Ellen said while taking some long strides to the living room. She put Portia down on the couch gently, straightened her back and smiled brightly. "Hey, look at that. Your face isn't so pale anymore. I guess I should do that more often, huh?"
Portia glared at Ellen in annoyance, but Ellen laughed it away and stepped into her own bedroom. Portia's condition had been really unstable these days. There were times when she felt really healthy and able to do her daily activities without having any difficulties. But there were times, like today, when she felt all lousy, hard to breathe, and having a severe headache. Portia noticed that lately, she's been having more number of lousy days than healthy days. Meaning, the medication that her doctor gave her didn't work anymore.
Portia sighed heavily and reached for the remote control to turn on the CD player. She lay down on the couch and closed her eyes while the song that would be used for Dee Black's special show played along. She wasn't able to dance because she needed to save her energy for tomorrow's rehearsal, but she could practice with her brain. She could repeat all the taught movements in her mind. So that was what she's doing right now, trying to imagine every movements of the dance.
In the middle of her 'rehearsal' session, she heard the intercom bell rang. Portia's eyes shot opened and she looked to the intercom bell that was hanging on the wall, near the door. The bell rang again. She rolled out of the couch and tried to stand up before attempting to slowly walk towards the door. She pushed the button on the intercom to answer, but when she was just about to open her mouth, she was interrupted by the person on the other side.
"El? What took you so long? It's me. Open the door. I'm freaking freezing out here."
Portia blinked hearing Regina's voice. Without giving a second thought, she pushed another button to open the main door of the building and let Regina in. A minute later, the door bell finally rang and Portia immediately opened the door.
"Hey, Ellen, wha...." Regina stopped talking when she saw Portia. "Portia? Why are you here?"
When she heard Regina's question, she suddenly realized that she had never thought about this possibility at all. The possibility that either Regina or Andy or anybody could come to Ellen's place at any time and questioned her presence there. So her mind was completely blank. Finally she forced a smile and greeted, "Hey, Regina. Come in."
Regina stepped inside, but still seemed to be confused. "Is Ellen home?"
"Yeah, she's in the bathroom," Portia answered and trudged a bit towards the couch.
"But why are you here? Ellen's hand has healed, right? Is she still forcing you to help her here?" Regina asked and trailed Portia to the living room. "And by the way, what's wrong? You don't look very well. Are you okay? Are you sick? How could Ellen a--"
Portia sat down on the couch and rubbed her temples in annoyance. She pointed her finger towards Regina, asking her to shut up.
"I'm sorry, but why--"
"De Rossi lives here now."
Both Portia and Regina turned their head to Ellen who was standing in front of the living room's door while drying her short hair with a towel.
"What the hell?" Regina spilled her confusion blatantly while Portia shot a warning glare at Ellen.
But Ellen only raised her right shoulder and said to Portia, "What? Sooner or later people will find out, de Rossi. We both know it."
Regina frowned deeply. She looked at Portia and Ellen alternately, then finally exclaimed, "One of you, please explain to me what the hell is going on here."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Regina was staring at Portia without even blinking. She had just heard the long explanation from the girl and Ellen, and Regina almost couldn't comprehend the overwhelming new facts. "Tell me that you guys are joking," she finally said, breaking the silence in Ellen's apartment.
Portia looked to Ellen who was sitting next to her on the couch and took a deep breath. "About what, Regina? You expect me to be joking about what? My heart condition? I think it's not something to laugh about."
Regina blinked and looked embarrassed. "You know that's not what I meant, Portia. I'm sorry. I guess I just... I mean, this is news to me. I never thought... I'm just having a bit difficulty on processing all this," she quickly said and stuttered. "But, why didn't you tell me about this?"
"Because there's no reason for me to do so," Portia said and shrugged.
Regina slightly frowned. "But you told Ellen," she said and glanced at Ellen.
This time Ellen decided to speak up, "That's because I accidentally came across her pills and I found her when she relapsed. So she had no choice but to tell me everything."
Regina fell silent for a moment, then she stared back at Portia. "Still, you could've told me," she stubbornly said.
A glimpse of annoyance was shining on Portia's eyes and her body tensed up. "I'm sorry, Regina, but I really don't see any reason on why should I tell you about my condition," she snapped a bit. "If Ellen hadn't witnessed me relapsing, I wouldn't have told her either."
Ellen automatically touched Portia's shoulder with her hand. Portia turned to look at Ellen and Regina could clearly see the tense on Portia's shoulder slowly evaporated to thin air.
"I think I need to rest right now," Portia finally mumbled. "You guys can continue the talk."
Regina observed Portia rising up from the couch and slowly walked towards the guest room that she was occupying. That girl didn't seem to be healthy at all. Regina had never seen her like this. It's all really new to her.
Ellen sighed softly and looked at her friend. "Wait here," she said and went after Portia.
Being left alone, Regina started to re-think about all of the things that she had heard tonight. Portia was terminally ill. Regina had just found out about that today, while Ellen had discovered that fact long ago. She knew that it's really not the most appropriate time to think of something like this, but she felt like Portia should've trusted her more than she trusted Ellen. However, Regina was the one who knew her first. Regina was the one who got close to her in the first place. Then why was it Ellen who got all of the trusts of that girl?
And earlier when they both were staring at each other... Regina frowned remembering how Portia immediately turned calm and at ease when she looked at Ellen. It was supposed to be her.
It was supposed to be Regina.
"She's not in her best condition today. Please don't upset her."
Ellen's voice snapped Regina out of her messy thoughts. She looked up and saw her friend went back to sit on the couch.
"And don't take out your jealousy on her," she added, staring at Regina. There was a slight tone of warning in her voice.
Not really appealed on discussing about jealousy to her friend, Regina changed the subject. "If her heart was weakening, why do you let her join Dee's show? Why don't you stop her?"
"My first instinct when I found out about that, was to yell at her face and insist her on calling it off," Ellen admitted. "But I think I can understand her determination."
Regina snorted.
"You're a dancer, too. Try to walk in her shoes," Ellen interjected, ignoring Regina's snort. "If you can't dance anymore, if you can't do the hip-hop anymore and you can't do all the movements that any other dancers can do, how would you feel?"
Regina didn't answer, but she tried to imagine that kind of condition.
If she couldn't dance anymore, what would she do? She had no idea. Maybe she would get depressed, and then.... Well, she really didn't know. She had never thought about that possibility.
"If that happened, and you got only one more chance to dance before all your hopes are being turned down, won't you just grab that chance right away?" Ellen continued.
Yes, Regina thought, absolutely. But she didn't verbalize it. Neither of them knew what to say for a moment. Each were busy with their own thoughts. And then Regina asked, "Do you think she's gonna be okay?"
"She is," Ellen answered firmly. "She will be just fine."
Regina lifted her face and stared at her friend with a questioning look. "How could you be so sure, El? How could you be that calm and.... poised? Honestly, my mind is a real mess right now. I feel so helpless, and useless, and I can't stop worrying about her. So, tell me, how could you be that calm? Aren't you worried?" she pushed Ellen.
Ellen frowned and clenched her jaw. She gulped painstakingly and Regina saw Ellen's hand formed a fist on her side. And then she left the couch, walked up to the window and stood there silently. She just stared into nothing. For one whole minute, the apartment was filled with solid silence. And then Ellen sighed and broke the silence.
"I'm worried," she vaguely said, barely looking at Regina. "I'm scared. I'm scared to death. But I can't show my true feelings in front of her."
Her friends' voice was hoarse, strained, even stressful, and Regina had never seen her friend like this. Not even once in her life.
"Everytime her condition goes down and she can barely walk, I can feel her frustration and I wish that I could give her every last bit of my strength," Ellen continued, still with her hoarse voice and empty stare. "Everytime she gets that damn attack and she cries, enduring the overwhelming pain, I wish I could replace her and bear all that pain so she doesn't feel any."
Ellen cleared her throat. "And when she blacked out, I swear to god I could feel my own heart stopped beating and I could feel a great fear, one that I have never felt in my entire existence. I was completely paralyzed. At those moments, I'd start to think about the worst scenario, and then I realized that I'm not ready at all for the worst scenario. And that realization makes the existing fear doubled and doubled each time."
Regina held her breath hearing her friend's confession. They had been really close and they had a strong bond, growing up together since they were babies, but Regina realized that this was the very first time Ellen confides in her truthfully. Maybe the fears and worries that she had been holding, bearing, and burying all this time had started to suffocate her, made it hard for her to breathe, and she desperately needed to take it out and talk to somebody else before she went crazy.
"But I can not show that kind of weakness in front of her. She needs someone who can support her, who can help her out when needed, someone she can count on, someone to assure her that everything's gonna be okay." Ellen looked to Regina and slightly smiled. "So I decided to be that kind of person."
Regina was at loss of words for a moment, she was only able to stare at Ellen in silence when she realized Ellen's truest and deepest feeling. And then she finally exhaled her breath that she had been holding and opened her mouth to ask something that was already obvious, but she needed to say it to confirm the fact. "You... really love her, don't you?"
Ellen blinked. Her eyes were grim and glistening with tears when she whispered the next 4 words that was departed from the bottom of her heart.
"With all my heart."
No comments:
Post a Comment