Portia locked her car and put on her red shawl around her neck. Actually the distance between her parked car and the front door of Ellen’s apartment building wasn’t that far, but the temperature this morning had fallen down drastically which forced her into wearing the shawl. Portia got herself shivering eventhough she was wearing some layer of thick clothing. It made her wonder whether New York would snow on Christmas day.
“Portia! Portia de Rossi!”
Portia looked to the owner of that cheerful voice and saw Andy Lassner getting off from his car across the street. Andy locked his own car and jogged towards Portia.
“Morning, Andy. How are you?” Portia greeted from behind her thick shawl.
Andy stopped right in front of Portia and smiled so very widely, showing off his white teeth. “You’ve reconciled with Ellen, haven’t you?” he asked cheerfully.
Portia looked up to see Andy’s face with a questioning look. Did Ellen tell Andy about their ‘fight’?
As if he could read Portia’s mind, Andy said, “I don’t know what she did to you that made you so angry and avoided her, but I am very, veeery glad that you’re kind enough to forgive my stupid friend. You have just saved this entire world – or at least mine. Acknowledge that.”
Portia frowned, still confused. “I don’t understand what you mean. Really.”
Andy put his hand on Portia’s arm and dragged her towards Ellen’s apartment building. “Were you even aware how Ellen acted as a complete jerk when you were avoiding her?”
Seeing Portia looked at him with squinted eyes, Andy continued, “I swear to god! She was like a nuts and insane and grumpy and angry person all the time. She literally turned into everybody’s nightmare. But right after she met you last night, her demeanor had turned 180 degree. So, Portia, please do not ever avoid her again.”
They arrived at the front door and Andy was about to push the bell when Portia stopped him and pulled out the key from her handbag. Andy raised up his eyebrows in surprise when he saw Portia opened the door with the key.
“She gave you her apartment’s key?” Andy asked, completely not believing what he had just witnessed, and stepped inside with Portia.
Portia nodded, letting the door closed and locked itself behind her. “Because I come here everyday. She doesn’t want to be bothered to open the door everytime I come,” she explained.
When they were in the lift that brought them up to the 4th floor, Andy turned to her and stared at Portia, “Jesus, you really got her on her knees, don’t you?”
“What are you even talking about?” Portia grumbled quietly, ignoring Andy’s words. “I don’t get anybody on any knees.”
This time a smile appeared on Andy’s face. “Ah, but I know full-well that you got Regina on her knees. And I think you know it, too.”
Portia sighed. “Regina and I are only friends.”
“Ouch,” Andy said, pretended to be disappointed. “So, you rejected Regina. She told you her feelings and you rejected her. I hope she’s okay.”
Portia threw a sharp glare at Andy. “Regina is fine, so you really don’t have to be so dramatic,” she replied. And then she grumbled, “I didn’t know people like you and Ellen gossip too.”
“We don’t gossip. We discuss,” Andy corrected and winked.
The lift dinged once before the doors opened and they stepped outside.
“I’m also sure that you got Ellen on her knees, you know?” Andy continued, thinking to himself.
“Eventhough, I have to admit, it’s kinda hard to imagine the Ellen DeGeneres gets down on her knees for anybody – literally or figuritavely.”
Portia stopped in front of Ellen’s apartment door, turned to Andy and snapped her fingers right on Andy’s face. “Stop whatever imagination that’s going on in your head and stop rambling about illogical things.”
Andy looked at Portia for a second, still looked like he was thinking about something. Then he smiled and said, “What about we do something to prove my suspicion and my illogical thinking?” He raised one of his eyebrow and pushed the bell.
Portia pointed at the key on her hand. “Andy, I already told you that I have the key. You don’t need to ring the bell.”
Still with the meaningful smile, Andy said, “Well, we should prove my suspicion, right, Miss de Rossi?”
“What…?”
Before Portia could continue her question, Andy pulled Portia to him with one quick and strong snap and hugged Portia tightly, making Portia almost unable to breathe.
Right at that moment, the door beside them blasted open and Portia – whose face was facing the door while one of her cheek was on Andy’s chest – saw Ellen stood there and watched them in awe. Portia gasped and immediately tried so hard to release herself from Andy's deadly hug, but Andy tightened the hug instead of letting her go. A second later…
“What the…? ANDY LASSNER WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?”
Portia cringed listening to Ellen’s blaring voice. And then she heard Andy quietly chuckled next to her ear. “You see? What did I tell you?” Andy whispered to her ear.
Suddenly Portia felt herself was separated from Andy with such force. Before she knew what was happening, she was already standing next to Ellen who was gripping her arm tightly and glaring at Andy deadly.
Andy only smiled innocently and raised up both of his hands. “I didn’t intend on doing anything. Just wanted to say hi to Portia.”
Ellen squinted her eyes looking at Andy, and then she looked to Portia and asked, “Are you okay?” Portia looked down to see Ellen’s hand which was still holding hers. Ellen’s grip wasn’t that strong and Portia could just easily slip her hand out of it, but she didn’t do it. She liked the warmth that she got from Ellen’s hand.
But Ellen seemed to interpret Portia’s stare differently because she soon pulled her hand back to herself. Portia immediately felt the feeling of loss and she had to try so hard not to reach for Ellen’s hand. Oh, this wasn’t good….
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ellen observed Portia who seemed to be drowning in her own thoughts. Her face was pale, but there was a hint of blush on her cheeks. Maybe that’s because of the cold air. “De Rossi?” Ellen called out.
Ellen’s voice succeeded on snapping Portia up. Portia looked up and smiled. “I’m alright. Andy was only joking. As usual,” she said and shook her hand.
Ellen’s head turned to Andy again. “Next time, you’re welcome to only say ‘hello’,” she said briefly.
Andy nodded. “Only say ‘hello’. Without any hugs. Okay, I’ll write that down.”
Ellen scowled. “By the way, why are you here this early?”
“Of course because I was going to offer my help to take you the hospital,” Andy replied.
Portia gasped. “Hospital?” she cut in and looked up to Ellen. “Why?”
Ellen moved her left bandaged hand. “We’ll take my bandage off.”
“Oh.” Portia exhaled in relief and got back to her calm self. Andy looked to Portia and Ellen alternately, then he continued, “But since Portia’s here and you guys have reconciled, I’m sure that you want Portia to be the one who takes you to the hospital. So, I guess I should just go.” He turned away without waiting for any respond from neither Portia nor Ellen. But before he walked away, he turned back to Portia and said, “Portia, I'm giving her back to you.” He gestured her head towards Ellen. “And I beg you, please don’t ever get mad at her again. Have mercy on us people who needs to deal with her jerkiness when you’re away from her.”
Portia blinked confusedly. She looked at Andy who winked at her, then back to Ellen who seemed to be wanting to choke her manager to death.
“Andy Lassner, one more word from your mouth, and I will gladly throw you out of my window,” Ellen growled.
Andy ignored the threat and replied with a wide and bright smile. “Okay, okay. I’m going now. See you later, Portia.” He was stretching his arms out to hug Portia when Ellen reached for Portia’s elbow and dragged her away, positioning herself inbetween Andy and Portia.
“You said you’re gonna go,” Ellen said sharply to Andy.
Andy raised both of his hands and brought them to his chest, defeated.
“Alright, alright. I’m really going now,” he said and chuckled. After he waved his hand to Portia, Andy finally turned and walked away with quiet whistle.
Ellen exhaled in annoyance after she saw Andy disappeared from eyesight. “I think I’ll need to look for a new manager,” she grumbled slowly.
Portia looked at her and frowned. “Why?”
“Because I’m going to fire him.”
Portia laughed and punch Ellen’s arm jokingly. “You know well enough that there isn’t anybody who can face you the way Andy does,” she said.
Ellen snorted and turned to enter her apartment. Portia followed Ellen’s steps and closed the door before entering the living room, where Ellen had already sit on the couch.
“Hey, you take care of my plants?” Portia asked happily while walking to the row of her plants near the big window.
Ellen shrugged indifferently. “Just needs to be watered once in a while. Not a big deal,” she mumbled.
Portia smiled and walked to approach Ellen who was sitting on the couch. “So, what did Andy mean by you being super unfriendly and a jerk to everybody lately?” she asked while taking off her coat and her shawl and placed it on the back of the couch.
Ellen sighed heavily and leaned back to the couch with closed eyes. “It’s all your fault,” she muttered.
“My fault?” Portia’s pitch mounted. “How could it possibly be my fault? I haven’t even seen you for the last one week?”
Ellen opened her eyes and stared at Portia. “There you go. There you said the reason yourself,” she said with a satisfied voice. “You’ve been avoiding me for the last week, which made me not having a decent coffee for the last week also.”
Portia snorted. “Great. Blame me if that’s the only way to make you feel better.”
“What makes me feel better is your coffee, de Rossi,” Ellen said.
“My coffee?”
Ellen nodded firmly and smiled widely to the girl who was standing with her hands on her hips in front of her. She knew that what actually made her feel better was the presence of Portia de Rossi around her. So much better. Being able to see that girl, talking to her, hearing her voice, that’s what made her feel alive again. But Ellen would just keep all that to herself.
“Okay, then, I’ll brew your coffee for you,” Portia sighed and marched to the kitchen. “You want me to make the breakfast as well?”
Ellen raised up from the couch and trailed Portia to the kitchen. “Let me make the breakfast today. What about something like toast breads?” she looked to Portia.
“What?” she asked when she saw the girl was staring at her with raised eyebrows and suspicion in her eyes.
“Nothing,” Portia said and shrugged with a small smile. “It’s just that I thought making breakfast is one of my tasks as your servant and your maid here.”
Ellen cringed hearing the words she used to throw at Portia. She was really a jerk back then, wasn’t she? Ellen condemned herself in her head.
She took a deep breath and looked at Portia hesitantly. “You know I no longer consider you as any of those things, right?” she asked.
Portia replied the stare and thought for a second, then she finally mumbled, “I know, Ed.” She smiled soothingly. “I was only kidding.”
Ellen breathed out in relief. “Great, then,” she said and nid-nodded her head. Feeling a little awkward, she cleared her throat and tried to change the topic. “Now, get ready, de Rossi,” she said while rolling up her shirt’s sleeves up to her elbows. “Get ready to fall into my charm when you taste my toast breads.”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“’Get ready to fall into my charm’? Please, tell me, which charm were you talking about?” Portia asked while staring at a plate of toast breads and a bottle of peanut butter that Ellen had just placed on the table.
“You want the strawberry jam as well?” Ellen asked innocently. “I like to mix the peanut butter and the strawberry jam for my bread.”
Portia laughed and shook her head.
“Hey, this is all that I can prepare,” Ellen said, defending herself. “I’m not a chef and you know that.”
“If you realize that fact, you should’ve just let me prepare the breakfast,” Portia said.
Ellen only smiled and sipped her coffee.
Portia reached for a slice of toast bread and spread the peanut butter on it. “What?” she asked when she noticed that Ellen was staring at her with strange look.
“How are you doing?” Ellen asked suddenly. “Good,” Portia answered quickly.
Ellen didn’t give out any comments. She only raised her eyebrows and keep staring at Portia.
Feeling anxious under Ellen’s eyes, Portia sighed loudly and put her un-eaten bread back to her plate. She had just suddenly lost her appetite. “Oh, alright if you really want to know,” she said and glanced at Ellen in annoyance before switching her eyes back on her bread. “There are no significant progresses just yet.”
“No progress?” Ellen repeated slowly.
Portia blew her breath even slower. “The medicines that the doctor gives me only slows down the weakening process of my heart. The key word here is ‘slows down’. My heart is still weakening each day.”
“But your doctor is still optimistic?”
“He… tries to be.” Portia smiled. “And me, too.”
Ellen returned the smile back but then her face went back to serious. “You know,” she said a bit hesitantly and cleared her throat. “Not to be a pessimist, but… I just want to know. If the medicines don’t work anymore for you…. then, what will happen?”
“What will happen?” Portia repeated and laughed bitterly. She shook her right hand carelessly and blurted out, “I guess you’ll never see me again.”
Right after the words came out of her mouth, Portia knew that she had made a big mistake. Ellen’s whole body tensed up, her face went pale and her jaws gritted. Before Portia could rectify the situation, Ellen whispered, “You know that’s not what I mean, de Rossi.”
Portia bit her lip and inhaled deeply. “I know. I’m sorry,” she said hoarsely. “I just…” She shrugged, took a deep breath once more, and licked her lips. “Well, if the medicines don’t work anymore, then there won’t be other way to save me other than searching for a new heart.”
Silence. Then Ellen spoke, “Heart transplantation?”
Portia nodded. “But that’d be the last option,” she said quickly, trying to sound cheerful and confident. “Right now, everything is still under control. I’m in a good and stable condition. Nothing to worry about.”
Ellen looked at her, then nodded and said, “Okay. Will you tell me if you’re not feeling particularly well?”
“But, I really am doing just fine,” Portia denied.
“De Rossi?”
“Oh, fine. I’ll let you know,” Portia grumbled and crossed her arms in front of her chest. “Now, can we talk about other things?”
Ellen nodded and Portia could feel the tension left her body a little. Ellen reached for a slice of toast bread and asked lightly, “So, did you meet Regina at Dee’s premiere show last night?”
Portia took a bite of her bread and mumbled a ‘yes’.
“How was she?”
“Okay.”
“Yeah? And then? Did she say something?” Portia squinted her eyes looking at Ellen. “Do you want to ask me the question that Andy did earlier?” she asked directly.
“What did Andy ask you earlier?” Ellen played dumb.
Portia groaned. “Jesus, I really didn’t know you guys gossip so much.”
“We don’t gossip,” Ellen interjected firmly. “We—“
“Discuss. Yes, I know,” Portia interjected back with a smile.
“So?” Ellen persuaded when Portia didn’t continue her words and just keep eating her bread. Portia shrugged. “Nothing happened.”
“So, you turned her down.”
Portia was a bit surprise to catch a glimpse of relief on Ellen’s voice. But maybe she misheard it. “Regina is a good person,” Portia mumbled.
Ellen laughed briefly. “Well, so why did you refuse her?”
Portia didn’t answer. “Because you like someone else?” Ellen asked with raised eyebrows.
Portia snapped up and held her breath. Her eyes averted quickly from her bread to Ellen in panic. “N-No,” she stuttered. Dammit. And, for god’s sake, her cheeks turned hot in all of a sudden. She hoped it wasn’t boiling red.
Ellen squinted her eyes a bit. “What about Rogers?” she asked again. “You said you have a special feeling for him.”
“I did. Not now,” Portia answered, feeling a bit cornered. “Now, we’re just good friends.”
“So why didn’t you take Regina?”
“Do you want me to?”
“Nope. And stop turning my question into another question, de Rossi.”
Portia breathed a long sigh. After biting her lips for a while, she looked away and said, “It’s just not the right time for me to think about having any relationship with anybody.”
“Why so?”
Portia bit her lips again and threw a meaningful look at Ellen. “You know my condition, Ed. Do I still need to explain it to you? You certainly know that there are lots of things that I need to think and worry about rather than some love relationship,” she said. “And about Regina…” She fell silent, then her voice turned low. “I just don’t think that it’s right and fair to burden other person – a person who’s really nice and really want to have a serious relationship with you – if you have such condition as mine.”
Ellen looked as if she wanted to deny Portia’s statement, but then she backed up. After thinking for a while, she said, “I don’t agree with that, but I’m not going to have a debate with you right now.”
Portia didn’t quite understand in which part did Ellen not agree in, but she didn’t have the chance to ask.
“I just want to know whether or not you’re going to say yes to Regina if the condition was….. different,” Ellen continued. “If only the condition was different, if only there was no health issue that you need to worry about, if only you were free to feel what you want to feel, will you say yes to Regina?”
If only.
Portia breathed in slowly and shut her eyes. She had been thinking and dreaming with the word “if only” ever since she received the diagnose from the doctor. That simple word had turned into something awful for her. Because that word referred to dreams that she knew she wouldn’t be able to reach.
“De Rossi?”
Portia blinked, chased away the tears that had started to blur her sight, and looked up to Ellen who was staring back at her in such tension. Portia noticed that she had been wondering about “if only” even more and more ever since she met Ellen.
Just like Ellen had said, if only the condition was different, if only her heart was healthy, if only she was free to feel what she wanted to feel, and if only she was able to show what she’s feeling.
If only she was able to show what she’s feeling….
“No,” Portia answered in full honesty. “I’m still not gonna say yes to Regina even if the condition was different.”
Because she knew for sure who she was going to choose if only the condition was different.
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