Tu Es Mon Soleil - Chapter 30

"I already told you I'm fine," Portia said for the seventh time while scowling at Ellen who was driving next to her. "You didn't need to call off our dinner with Paolo and Eleanor."

No, actually she wasn't fine. She wasn't feeling well at all, her head was still spinning, and her breathing was still heavy. But the thing is, she didn't want to make Ellen more panic than she was already now. 

"De Rossi, that clerk girl on the store was so shocked when you suddenly blacked out in front of her. I thought she almost blacked out herself. So please stop saying that you're fine," Ellen stated sharply. "Your face is still pale."

Yep, Portia could still hear the clear tone of panic and worry in Ellen's voice even though the woman was trying so hard to hide it.

Portia sighed and looked away to the window. She did lose her conscience for a moment there -- 'blacking out' sounded a bit exaggerated -- when she was picking a tartlet while talking with the clerk girl. She just suddenly felt that it's hard to breathe and she was so light-headed. A second later, everything went black. And the next thing she realized was her sitting on the couch, leaning to Ellen, still in the store.

That was the first time she has ever lost her conscience and to be very honest, Portia was worried. To be precise, she was scared. She felt that her health condition was going down too fast and she couldn't do anything about it.

But Ellen DeGeneres didn't need to know about any of that. Potia didn't want to make anybody worried about her. So she turned back to Ellen and and started, "But, I..."

"One more word of 'fine' from your mouth, I'm gonna kill you myself," Ellen snarled.

Portia sighed loudly and bit her lip. She decided to change the subject. "So what are we gonna do now? Go home?"

"Yes. You need some rest," Ellen answered briefly. "But before that, we should stop by your apartment so you can take everything you need."

This time Portia turned her body to Ellen and raised her eyebrows. "What? Why?" she asked.

"Won't you be needing, like, a change of clothes or anything?" Ellen asked back confusedly. "De Rossi, I can lend you my clothes. I have packs of new toothbrushes that I can give to you. I can provide anything you need, except one thing. I can't give you my underwears."

Portia goggled at Ellen with opened mouth. "Ed! That's not what I'm talking about!" she yelled and placed two strong hits on Ellen's arm -- well, not as strong as she hoped to be since she didn't really have lots of energy. But her face was still burning.

"Ouch, woman. That hurt," Ellen protested half-heartedly. "Just so you know, my skin is very sensitive."

"I mean, why do I need to bring any clothes to your place?" Portia demanded, completely ignoring Ellen's complaint.

"Because you're going to sleep at my place tonight," Ellen replied as though the explanation was very clear. "De Rossi, you don't really think that I'll leave you alone in your apartment after what just happened, do you? And please don't fight me on this. You have experienced sleeping over at my place, so I don't see any problem on this one either."

Portia snorted, then she looked at Ellen sharply. "Yeah, but you should've asked me first before deciding everything by yourself."

Ellen sighed quietly, then turned to Portia for a moment. 

"Fine," she nodded. "De Rossi, what about you staying at my place tonight?"

"Why should I?"

"Because we both want to have a nice and peaceful sleep tonight. You know that you can sleep better when you sleep in my apartment. And I will be able to sleep in peace tonight if I can make sure that you're okay," Ellen explained. "So, what do you say?"

Portia took a deep breath and blew it. "Okay," she mumbled.

"Oh, come on, de Rossi. What's wrong with -- wait, what did you say?" Ellen blinked her eyes at Portia.

"I said okay," Portia repeated.

"Okay?" Ellen repeated the word again. She didn't think that Portia would say yes so early and easily.

Portia shrugged. "I don't feel like being left alone tonight after all,"  she sighed and touched her forehead, smiling grimly. "And you were right. I'm not feeling very well."

Ellen looked worried again. "You wanna go see your doctor?"

Portia shook her head and closed her eyes. "No. I'll be just fine after I take my pills. After all, me and my mom have made an appointment with my doctor tomorrow noon. I do have to undergo some examinations before I leave for Minnesota."

"You're going to Minnesota?"

"Yeah, the day after tomorrow. Did I forget to mention it to you?" she replied and looked to Ellen. "Because my grandparents from my mother's side have both passed away, me and my parents always spend our Christmas and New Year's holiday with my grandparents from my father's side. And they live in Eden Prairie, Minnesota. All of my big family will be there. Family tradition, you know."

"Oh, I see," Ellen mumbled and nid-nodded her head. "Eden Prairie. I heard it's a beautiful place."

Portia smiled imagining the nature beauty all around Eden Prairie. The lakes, the roads. "It is. Far different from New York City," she muttered with a slight daydreaming look on her face. And then she turned and said, "What about you?"

"Well, since my grandparents from my mom's side live in Bayside, Queens, I'm not really going to leave this state for holiday."

"Hmm," Portia mumbled in muted tone. She closed her eyes again and leaned back her head. One of her hand glued to her forehead.

Silence, then Ellen said, "I'm sorry."

Portia opened her eyes and stared at Ellen in confusion. "What for?"

Regrets were clearly written on Ellen's face. "I knew that you can't get too tired, but instead, I made you busy this whole day. Dragging you to go with me to..."

"Ed," Portia interjected quickly with frowns, "did you regret taking me out today?" Ellen stayed silent, but Portia could see her jaw clenched.

"Well, I hope not," Portia continued without waiting for Ellen's respond. "Because I really had fun today."

Ellen looked a bit hesitant. "Really?"

Portia smiled. "Yes. Really."

Ellen took a deep breath. "Well then, I didn't regret spending my time with you, de Rossi," she muttered.

"Good," Portia muttered back in satisfaction. "I loved spending time with you, too, Ellen DeGeneres."

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"I am not a disable, you know?" Portia scolded when Ellen got back to the living room with a pot of mushroom soup and another bowl of salad.

Ellen put down the pot and the salad bowl on the coffee table in front of Portia, then turned to the girl with the sulky face on the couch. "Jesus, I know," she said and placed herself next to Portia. "But since my hand is healed, now I can prepare any dish without turning my own kitchen into a chaotic mess. And, you are sick, so I'm asking you to just sit and wait here. Am I wrong to do that?"

Portia was still scowling, but didn't say anything.

"Now, eat," Ellen said and poured the soup to Portia's bowl. "I hope it doesn't taste so bad."

This time Portia snorted and cracked a smile. "Let's see your ability on cooking."

"Hey, I'm not entirely useless in the kitchen, have you noticed that?" Ellen protested, pretending to be offended. "I used to ask you to cook for me because I was not capable to use one my hands, and you offered yourself to do so."

Portia laughed and tasted Ellen's mushroom soup. "Mm," she mumbled meaningfully. Then she raised one shoulder, "Not so bad."

Ellen squinted her eyes and stared at Portia. The girl stared back at her while smiling broadly, then started to eat her soup greedily. Not so bad, she said? Ellen was sure that the girl loved her soup.

"By the way, Ed," Portia said after she finished a bowl of soup, "you once said that I can hear you playing your piano in 'live performance' when you're hand is healed."

"Are you saying that you want to hear it now?" Ellen asked directly.

Portia nodded her head in excitement. "Very well. I also want to see whether my wrists can function perfectly." Ellen left the couch and approached her piano. Portia trailed behind her. Ellen sat on the chair, placed all of her fingers on the keys and started to make some melodies rapidly. "Doesn't seem to be troubled," she muttered mostly to herself. Then she looked up to Portia who was standing beside the piano. "Come, sit here," she said and patted the empty part of the chair. 

Portia obliged and sat on Ellen's right side. "What song are you gonna play?"

"Tu Es Mon Soleil," Ellen replied. She glanced at Portia and smiled a bit. 

"You are My Sunshine?" Portia guessed the translation.

"Nice French skill," Ellen complimented her. "I thought of you while writing this song. And if you're wondering what does it have to do with 'sun', well, that's because everytime I see you, you always remind me of sunshine. Don't ask why, because I don't have the answer myself."

Without waiting for Portia's reaction, Ellen's fingers started to dance on the piano, filling the whole apartment with the beautiful melodies that could warm even the coldest nights of winter.

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I thought of you while writing this song.

Ellen's words were echoing in Portia's head. And even though she didn't want to admit it, the warmth and light feeling had started to fill up her chest. A hint of smile had unreasonably started to form itself on her lips. Portia really couldn't help but to wonder why did Ellen think of her while writing a song as beautiful as this.

The song that Ellen was playing succeded on tranporting Portia to the endless and green meadow with the warm sunshine on it, the grass that was being caressed by the wind, the blue sky without a single cloud, and the smell of spring. And Ellen DeGeneres.

Portia opened her eyes that she had subconsciously closed and blinked several times. Ellen earlier said that she was thinking of Portia while writing this song. And now, Portia was thinking of Ellen while listening to the song.

Before Portia could take her mind further, the beautiful song ended.

"What do you think?" Ellen asked and turned to Portia with hopeful face. 

Portia smiled, looked up to Ellen. "Really, really beautiful. And I really, really loved it."

"You know, at first, this song had a more simple and plain title," Ellen said while running her fingers on the keys, started to play another song.

"Really? What was the first title?"

"Thinking of De Rossi."

Portia blinked. "But after I thought about it for a while, that title just doesn't fit in. People could think that de Rossi was some romanticized title I made of a rose or something," Ellen chuckled. "So, in order to take out the misunderstanding, I changed the title. What do you think of it?"

Trying to ignore the warmth that started to mount up her cheeks, Portia cleared her throat and trying to change the topic. "Why do you always call me de Rossi? You can just call me by first name, you know, like everybody else does."

"Because I'm used to it. Anyway, I like being the only one who gets to call you de Rossi," Ellen shrugged. That minor movement had made their shoulders crashed and Portia couldn't control the beating of her own heart. And then Ellen laughed again and continued, "I think, the only thing that can make me call you by your first name would be if you marry me."

This time, Portia's heart totally stopped beating and she stared at Ellen with eyes widened in shock.

Ellen stared back at her and smiled brightly. "If that happens, then you'll be Portia DeGeneres.... or Portia de Rossi - DeGeneres, I don't know, but still, I won't be able to call you by your last name, right? That wouldn't be practical."

Portia didn't have the abilty to say anything. She didn't even realize that she was holding her breath. All she realized was the fact that her heart was beating too fast and loud that she feared she might relapse again. 

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Ellen waited for Portia's reaction of her joke. Well, actually she was only half-joking. She had never given any serious thoughts of marriage all this time, until now, after she got to know the girl that was sitting on her right side, she had started to think that marriage wasn't all that bad or horrifying. That idea made Ellen stunned on her own seat. Oh lord, heaven really couldn't help her right now.

She observed the blush on Portia's pale cheeks while the girl started to randomly press some piano keys with her pointed finger. And then Portia looked up and stared at Ellen while smiling. "Technically, you also have to call me by my first name if I'm married to Regina," she said.

"Whoa, stop right there," Ellen interjected and glared at Portia with furrowed brow. "Tell me that you're not serious."

Portia laughed. "Why? I'm right, aren't I?"

"I refuse to answer that because I refuse to even think of that possibility."

Portia laughed loudly. After she stopped laughing and giggling, she demanded, "Play one more song."

"I think you better go to bed by now," Ellen said. "I promise I'll play one more song tomorrow morning while you decorating the Christmas tree."

Hearing the word of 'Christmas tree' made Portia's eyes gleamed in excitement. "Ah, right. They'll deliver the Christmas tree here tomorrow morning."

Seeing the girl being happy, Ellen couldn't help but to feel happy, too. 

"Go," she said, "I'll do the dishes."

Portia nodded and stood up from the chair. But after she took some steps towards the guest room, she stopped and turned. "Ed, are you going to continue your made up bedtime story tonight?" she asked.

"Bedtime story? What bedtime story?" Ellen asked back.

"About the general and the village girl."

"Oh, that one," Ellen mumbled, recalling her made up story that she told Portia weeks ago. "Can I hear the next chapter of it tonight?"

"Where was I?"

"The girl was brought to the mansion to be the general's private servant."

Ellen thought for a while, then finally said, "But I haven't figured out the ending of the story just yet."

Portia raised her eyebrows. "Why so?"

"You see," Ellen said and turned her body towards Portia, "when the village girl started to work as the general's servant, at first, the general really didn't want to have anything to do with her. She thought of the girl as her darkness angel that might break her other leg, or even both of her hands, whenever that girl was around."

Ellen could see the change on Portia's expression, but the girl didn't say anything. She only tilted her head, waiting for Ellen to continue.

So Ellen did continue, "But slowly, day by day, week by week, the general started to get accustomed to the village girl's presence. Initially, she thought that the girl was a great talking companion, and then she started to realize that she liked seeing the girl smiling and laughing, and then she started to hope that it was her who made the village girl smiling and laughing, she started to put the girl before herself, and she started to hope that the girl would stick by her side, then she also started to hope that the girl was feeling what she was feeling."

Ellen could see lots of emotions were flashing on Portia's eyes, but she couldn't dig the meaning of those emotions. Ellen felt her heart was thumping loudly inside her chest and she had never been this nervous her whole life. She should say it. She couldn't back up now after she took this long stride. 

So she looked Portia straight in the eyes and firmly said, "Because the general has fallen in love with the village girl."

The world stopped spinning while Ellen held her breath, cautious of Portia's reaction. There, she said it. And now, everything was up to that girl. She wasn't the kind of people who could just spill their feelings towards somebody, and this was the only way she could ever think of confiding her feelings without saying it blatantly.

"So now you understand, right, why I said I haven't figured out the ending just yet?" Ellen continued with a smile, trying to calm her nerves. "Because I haven't figured out whether the girl loved the general back......... or not."

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Ellen peeked inside the guest room that Portia was sleeping in. After making sure that the girl had fallen asleep, she made sure that the room's door wasn't really closed so she would be able to hear if the girl called her or needed something. She went back to the living room and looked around, checking if everything was at its place before she entered her own bedroom again.

She was standing right at the place where Portia was about an hour ago when she -- indirectly -- spilled her own feelings towards the girl. After hearing Ellen's 'confession', Portia didn't say anything or give out any reaction for a full 30 second. And then she blinked, smiled, and said, "Okay. When you figure out the ending, don't forget to tell me about it."

Ellen should confess that she was disappointed to hear that reaction. She wasn't really expecting for any answers, she just felt like she needed to put out her real feelings. Deep down, she knew and aware of the fact that Portia would never give her any answers because she had told her about how there were so many other important things that she should worry about right now. Well, even so, Ellen still felt a bit down. She had sighed and looked down. Her lips had curved a small smile that regretted her own stupidity for expecting too much.

"But, Ed," Portia had said suddenly, "I think the village girl also thinks that the general's a great talking companion."

Ellen had lifted her face and stared at Portia who was smiling vaguely at her. She couldn't help but to feel a glimpse of hope rose up in her heart.

"And I'm certainly sure that the girl considers the general as a really good person."

Ellen had waited for Portia to continue, but that was all she had wanted to say. After that, Portia only threw a 'good night' and got into her room.

Until now, Ellen still couldn't comprehend of what was actually going on in her head. But, at least Portia didn't turn her down right away either. So everything's going to be just fine. She could even still have a bit of hope. Just a bit.

She was about to turn off the lamp in the living room when something that was flickering on the table caught her attention. Portia's phone. Ellen walked to the table, grabbed the phone that was vibrating and flickering without any sound and read the name on the screen.

Mom. 

Ellen doubted whether or not she should pick up the call from Portia's mother or just let it be. But if she didn't pick up, Portia's mom might get worried sick because Portia once had told Ellen about how her parents always call her to check her condition ever since she was diagnosed by the doctor. On the other hand, if Ellen did answer the call, she would have to explain about why she was the one who answered the call instead of Portia, and then she would also need to explain about why Portia needed to spend the night at her place.

Ellen stared at the phone that was still flickering in her hand, mulling over. And then she pressed the green button, brought it up to her ear and greeted, "Halo, M'am?"