Begin Again: Chapter 17

“Please, Portia,” Alison insists with a petulant pout. “Can’t you at least call her and ask?” 

This whining has been going on for quite a while ever since Portia arrived at Sunny Day this morning. And it doesn’t solely come from Alison, but from some other girls as well. Not to mention some staffs and volunteers there. They all want Portia to call Ellen and invite her to the brunch they’re having today in order to celebrate Miss Adler’s birthday, the founder of Sunny Day. 

Portia sighs while pouring herself a cup of tea in the communal kitchen where everybody is bustling to prepare the brunch. “I’m sure she’s very busy, Alison. I don’t want to disturb her,” she answers patiently. 

Actually, chances are Ellen is still snoring in her bed at the moment since the party at The Plaza yesterday night probably ended around 3 am or so. When Portia and Francesca were about to leave around midnight, Ellen and Audrey were still there, talking to some friends. Portia didn’t want to interrupt, but she also didn’t want to leave without saying anything. So she kept on staring at Ellen and hoped that Ellen would look her way. 

Her wish was granted. As if sensing Portia’s burning stare, Ellen turned her head and catches Portia’s eyes from across the room. She raises her eyebrows, asking. Portia smiles awkwardly, lifts her hand a little, waving goodbye. I’m going home, Portia mumbled inaudibly, hoping that Ellen gets the message. 

It seemed like it, since the woman smiled, lifts her champagne glass, and her mouth says ‘okay’. 

“She’s your fiancée.” 

Alison’s almost shrilling voice snaps Portia back into reality. “Hm?” she sips her tea. 

“She’s your fiancée,” Alison says again. “If she loves you, she’ll come when you ask her to.” 

Oh, innocent teenagers and their idealistic imaginations, Portia thinks inwardly and takes another sip. She has stopped correcting Alison that Ellen is not her fiancée after her 20th attempt didn’t seem to work. 

“Come on, Portia. Just invite her,” one of the volunteers in the kitchen chimes in. “She was kind enough to teach us how to make proper sandwiches the other day. At least we can thank her this way, right?”

Alison nods her head vigorously. 

Portia shakes hers. 

“Oh, Portia, pleaaaasssee. Call Ellen,” Alison begs her. “Okay? Portiiiaa… Portiiiaa…” 

Portia exhales loudly and puts her cup on the table. If she doesn’t do it, Alison is going to keep on pestering her for the next couple hours, testing her patience. She looks at Alison and says, “Alright, Alison. I’ll try to call her once. Once.” She holds up her forefinger to emphasize her words. “If she doesn’t pick up, then she’s busy and I’m not going to call her again. If she says she can’t make it, I’m not going to force her. Understood?”

Alison claps her hand excitedly. “Oh, I’m sure she’s gonna come,” she says happily. “She’s gonna come because you ask her to.” 

Reluctantly, Portia pulls out her phone and dials Ellen’s number. It’s still quite early and she really doesn’t know whether Ellen is already awake or still sleeping. She really doesn’t want to disturb Ellen if she’s still sleeping. 

When on the third ring the phone hasn’t been answered yet, Portia glances at Alison and says, “She’s not picking up, Al. I guess…”

“Wait a little longer, Portia,” Alison asks her. “Please don’t put it off just yet.” 

Portia sighs. “Alison, I really think—“

“Yes, Portia?” 

Ellen’s voice on the other end makes Portia jump. “Oh, h-hey,” she stutters. “It’s… It’s me.” 

“I know it’s you, Portia.” Ellen sounds amused. 

Portia shuts her eyes and curses herself. Alison who’s standing in front of her beams with joy, almost jumping up and down. Portia turns her back on Alison and says slowly, “I’m so sorry to bother you this early.” 

“Not at all,” Ellen says calmly. “In fact, you just saved me from the obligation of listening to my mom’s complaints about the effect on New York’s freezing weather on her joints.” 

“Oh, are you with your mom? Tell her I say hi, then.” 

“Portia says hi, Mom,” Ellen says to her mom. Then she gets back to their conversation, “So, what’s up? Anything I can help you with?” 

Portia peeks over her shoulder, seeing Alison is still standing on the same spot with a hopeful face. “Well,” she starts. “I’m at Sunny Day now and everybody here wants to know whether you’d be able to spare some time to come here later on. We’re having a brunch to celebrate Miss Adler’s birthday— she’s the founder of this place, and you’re also invited as a way of thanking you for what you did the other day.” 

“Oh, I see,” Ellen mumbles. “Okay, I’ll be there.” 

Portia quickly continues, “It’s a very simple brunch. Nothing luxurious. So don’t expect to see the food you’re used to eating.” 

“No foie gras? Oh, geez. But I guess I’ll be alright. I’ll survive,” Ellen says dryly. 

Portia rolls her eyes. “You don’t have to come if you can’t make it,” she says, though with a much lower voice. “I mean, I know Ramses is always busy…”

Ellen sighs on the other end. “Do you want me to come or not?” she asks. 

Portia sneers without answering. 

“That’s what I thought,” Ellen says, as if she can read Portia’s mind. “So do I need to bring something?” 

“No,” Portia mutters grudgingly.

“Okay. See you soon.” 

“Okay.” 

“And, Portia?”

“Yes?” 

“You should do it more often.” 

“Do what?” 

“Call me.” 

“Uh… Okay. Alright. See you.” Portia quickly ends the call, clears her throat and turns towards Alison. “She’s coming. Happy now?”

Alison’s smile is brighter than the sun and she nods so vigorously that Portia worries her head would come off of her neck. “I’ll let everybody know right away!” she yells happily. “Thank you, Portia!” 

Portia almost falls flat on her back when Alison jumps to hug her. “Okay, Alison. Control yourself,” Portia laughs. 

Alison lets her go, claps her hand, then bolts out of the kitchen to announce the upcoming arrival of her new idol. 

************

Despite Portia telling her that she doesn’t need to bring anything, Ellen DeGeneres showed up at Sunny Day with a beautiful bouquet of tulips. She hands it over to Miss Adler along with a quick peck on her cheek which succeeded in making the 65-year-old woman blushes like a teenager. 

Portia wonders if Ellen was just born with all the charm like that. But then she reminds herself that the Ellen DeGeneres she used to know in high school was far from charming. 

“Hey, sorry I’m late.” 

Portia blinks, ending her chains of thoughts and turns to see Ellen who suddenly is already sitting next to her. Portia doesn’t get the chance to greet her back because in an instant, Ellen is already surrounded by all the staffs and the members of Sunny Day who want to say hi to her and offer her some casseroles that they had made this morning. Portia is forced to drag her chair a little away from Ellen’s so she doesn’t get squeezed or trampled on by Ellen’s ‘fans’, then waits patiently until everybody gets their fair share of Ellen’s attention. 

“Time for me to get your attention?” Portia asks, resting her chin on her hand after the crowd starts to dissolve. 

Ellen turns to her and smiles with sparkling eyes. “You always have my attention, Portia. Don’t worry.” 

Portia produces a mocking voice of half-snorting half-laughing. 

Ellen bites her casserole and nods in approval. “Mm, delicious.” 

“Aren’t you busy today?” Portia asks. 

“I am,” Ellen answers, still chewing. “Lots of things to do before I leave for Chicago tomorrow.” 

“I told you that you don’t have to come if you can’t make it,” Portia mutters. 

“That’s fine,” Ellen says lightly. “I can spare some time.” 

Portia stares at Ellen for a minute. “So you’re leaving tomorrow?” 

“Mm-hm.”

“When will you be back?” 

Portia has tried to ask the question as nonchalantly as possible, but it doesn’t seem to work too well because Ellen lifts up her head and turns to her with a mischievous smile. “Well, well, well. Does that mean you’re gonna miss me?” 

“Yeah, right,” Portia sneers. “I just wanted to make sure about Ben. You know, about when can he start at the Ramses?” 

Ellen definitely doesn’t buy it, but she answers nonetheless, “My manager will get in touch with Ben and tell him in person. But if you want to know, Ben can start after New Year, even when I’m not back from Chicago yet. My staffs are completely capable of taking care of him.” 

“Hm.” 

“You don’t want to know when will I be back in New York?” 

“Not really,” Portia says indifferently. 

Ellen giggles. “Alright,” she mumbles. “Anyway, do you or any of your family members have any allergy to a certain type of food?” 

Portia raises her eyebrows. “Why?”

“Because I don’t want to serve something that can make any of you collapses on my restaurant’s floor tonight.” 

Portia shakes her head. “No allergies.” 

“Cool— Oh, sorry.” Ellen fishes out her vibrating phone from the pocket of her jacket. She reads the name on the screen and picks up the incoming phone call. “Yes, Andy?” 

The name sounds familiar to Portia. Oh, right. Andy is the manager of the Ramses that she met the other day. Portia goes back to resting her chin on her hand and listening to Ellen’s brief conversation. 

Ellen seems to be listening to what Andy is saying, then she glances at her watch and says, “I’ll be there in an hour…. Me…? I’m with my fiancée.” 

Portia glares and elbows Ellen’s arm. Really, Portia doesn’t understand why Ellen loves to tell everybody that she’s her fiancée. 

Ellen winces at Portia and her mouth forms an inaudible “ouch”. 

“Yes, she asked me to come see her and I couldn’t refuse,” Ellen talks again on the phone. 

Before Portia can launch another attack, Ellen is quick to catch the girl’s hand and hold it down on the table. 

“Okay, I’ll be on my way soon,” Ellen says again. Then she puts her phone back in her pocket, looks at Portia and says, “For a girl your size, you’re so unbelievably strong, you know?” 

Portia sneers as usual. 

“Tell me, do you always discharge your inner strength on everybody or just on me?” 

Portia rests her chin on her free hand. “Especially preserved just for you,” she says sweetly and with an even sweeter smile. 

Ellen burst out laughing. And in that moment Portia’s sure that Ellen’s laughter is irresistibly contagious because she starts laughing— really laughing, too. 

Click! 

Portia and Ellen simultaneously turn to the sound of a camera clicking and see Alison with her digital camera and a wide smile. “Aw, you guys are such a cute couple, holding hands and staring at each other like that,” says the blue-haired girl with her eyes on her camera’s screen. “I think I got a good one. I’ll print one for you two later.” Then she goes away, hopping joyfully like a bunny. 

Portia blinks, then looks down to her hand that’s still in Ellen’s grip. Well, now, how can she forget that the woman is still holding her hand? But before she can decide whether or not to pull away, Ellen already lets go of Portia’s hand and reaches into her jacket’s pocket again. Her phone is ringing again. 

“Yes, Audrey?” Ellen says after bringing her phone to her left ear. 

And Portia has to resist the urge to roll her eyes when she hears that name. 

************

Ellen glances at the girl who’s sitting next to her in the car and smiles. Portia is busy with the remote control, trying to find a radio channel that she likes. She’d frown whenever a song that doesn’t match her taste comes out. 

As if realizing that she’s being stared at, Portia lifts her face and stares back at Ellen. “What?” she asks. 

“Nothing,” Ellen quickly says and focuses back on the heavy traffic in front of her. 

“Weirdo,” Portia mumbles back and plays with the remote control again. 

Ellen’s smile only gets wider. Seems like Portia really meant it when she said that they’re friends now. Look what happened today. The girl called her and invited her to Miss Adler’s birthday at Sunny Day. Then the girl lightly accepted Ellen’s offer to drive her back to her shop. 

Funny, isn’t it, how such little things can feel so…. good? 

Finally, Portia stops pushing the button on the remote control when she finds an instrumental channel. 

“You can’t be serious,” Ellen says soon as she hears the song, a piano instrumental, that sounds more like a lullaby. 

“What?” Portia asks. 

“You want me to fall asleep while driving?” 

“But we don’t have any other choices,” Portia protests. “You know that I basically only listen to Broadway songs.” 

“My brain is getting sleepy now, Portia.” 

“Oh, fine,” Portia grumbles and reaches for the remote control again. 

Ellen stretches out her hand to withhold Portia’s. “You know what,” she says. “We can keep this channel, but you have to talk to me so I won’t fall asleep.” 

Portia shrugs. “What do you want to talk about?” 

Ellen realizes that the girl doesn’t pull her hand away at once. Whether she realizes it or not, Portia de Rossi is letting Ellen hold her hand, just like she did back at Sunny Day earlier. 

At the same time, Ellen acknowledges another weird thing. She never thinks of herself as one who likes to hold hands. She rarely ever holds hands with women who are close to her. She lets them clutch on her arm, yes, but she never holds hands with them. Holding hands makes her feel uncomfortable. Her hand would feel too warm, and damp, and sweaty, and… just unpleasant in general. But now…..

Ellen quickly retreats her hand and grips the steering wheel. 

This is confusing. 

“What do you want to talk about?” Portia asks again, interrupting Ellen’s chains of thoughts. 

Ellen stops her car before a traffic light and glances at Portia. “Tell me something about yourself.” 

Portia raises her eyebrows. 

“I’ll tell you something about myself in exchange,” she adds cheerfully. 

Portia laughs out loud. “Do you really see that as an interesting offer?” 

Ellen is stunned, staring at the girl who’s sitting next to her. Portia’s laughter just filled her chest with something strange. Something strange, and warm, and fuzzy. She had seen that very same laughter 10 years ago when the girl was trying to teach her how to make some good cookies for the school bazaar. That laughter was what made Ellen forget that she’s supposed to like Grace Sanders.

And this laughter of Portia’s right now makes her….

“Ellen, it’s already green.” 

Ellen jolts and quickly steps on the gas, accompanied by some impatient honkings from the cars behind hers. 

Portia hums to the song on the radio. “Okay,” she says and smiles. 

“What?” Ellen asks. She absolutely forgets what they were talking about before she saw Portia laughed. 

“Hm… Let me think.” Portia taps her chin with a finger. “I’m not really into movies in the cinema, but I do watch a lot of plays. And as you know, I’m a huge fan of Broadway. I don’t really listen to other types of songs, really.” She lifts her phone and says to Ellen, “I’m 100% sure that you don’t know any song I have on my playlist.” 

Ellen smiles and says, “I rarely ever go to the cinema. Don’t have enough time. My only experience of watching Broadway was with you. I listen to jazz music when I’m experimenting with something in the kitchen.” 

Portia looks outside the window. “I really want to travel around the world, but up until now the only country that I’ve ever visited— besides the States, of course— is England. A 2-week vacation in London was Andrew’s graduation gift for me."

“Your oldest brother?” Ellen asks, stealing a glance at Portia.

The girl smiles and nods a little. “Yes. He said he wanted to make one of my dreams comes true.” She looks at Ellen. “West End,” she adds briefly. 

“Ah, of course.” Ellen understands. For musical fans like Portia, Broadway in New York and West End in London are the two must-visit places. 

“What about you?” Portia asks. “Ever traveled abroad?”

“England, France, Spain, and Italy,” Ellen answers. “For study and work reasons.” 

“Wow. I’m impressed.” Portia nods. 

Ellen smiles. The slight admiration in Portia’s voice makes her happy. She’s been working very hard to build her career for the last few years. She’s worked hard to sharpen her skills, to learn from famous chefs all over the world. She is who she is now because of her hard work. She’s proud of what she has achieved and she wants Portia to like her for who she is now. The girl’s validation is important to her, probably even more important than she’d like to admit, even to herself. 

“Tell me something about yourself that Francesca doesn’t know about,” Ellen says out of the blue. 

Portia doesn’t answer instantly. Ellen glances over and sees the girl stares straight to the front while biting her lips nervously. Then Portia turns to Ellen and asks back, “And you’ll tell me something about yourself that Audrey doesn’t know about?”

“What makes you think Audrey knows a lot of things about me?” Ellen asks.

“What makes you think Francesca knows a lot of things about me?”

Ellen raises her eyebrows. “You still need to ask?”

Portia scrunches her nose, defeated. 

“You want me to start? Alright,” Ellen relents. “Audrey doesn’t know that I’m afraid of heights.” 

***********

“You what?” 

Portia’s eyes widen in shock. She can’t believe what she just heard. Ellen DeGeneres is afraid of heights? Unbelievable. She observes the woman who’s sitting behind the steering wheel, driving the car with full confidence. Ellen really doesn’t look like the kind of person who trembles when they’re told to stand on the edge of a cliff or something. Instead, she looks like a person who would say yes to bungee jumping without any hesitation. 

“Well, thanks for thinking so highly of me,” Ellen says and chuckles, making Portia realize that she just thought out loud. “But, seriously, I don’t even step out to my apartment’s balcony.”

“What would happen if you do?” Portia asks out of curiosity. 

“Hm. Once I tried to do it, stepping out to the balcony. You know, to learn to fight my fear and all. It didn’t work. And no, I am never doing it again,” Ellen says firmly. “My feet were trembling, my palms were all sweaty, my head was spinning, it was just the worst. I managed to stand there for around 17 seconds before I crawled back in.” 

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Portia gasps, her hand flies up to cover her mouth. 

Ellen glances at her. “I know you wanna laugh,” she says while sighing exaggeratedly. “Go on. I guess I would’ve laughed myself if I heard a story like this.”

Portia finally burst out laughing. “Oh my god, I am so sorry!” she says in between her laughter. “I really shouldn’t laugh at your fear.” 

“That’s alright. I’ve learned to live with this bitter fact,” Ellen says and smiles lightly. “Okay, now you can stop laughing at me and tell me a little fact about yourself.” 

Portia leans back to her headrest and takes a deep breath. “I’ll tell you later,” she says. 

“What? You’re cheating!” Ellen protests. 

“No, I’m not,” Portia says. “I just need more time to think about something that Francesca doesn’t know about me.” 

“Ouch,” Ellen winces. “You don’t have to remind me that I’m waaay behind my competition.” 

“Oh, jeez,” Portia groans. 

“You have to tell me all the things that she doesn’t know about you so our position can be even,” Ellen says in an explanatory manner. “And you promised that you’re going to give me the same shot that you give her.” 

Portia frowns. “When did I—?” 

“Okay, I’ll give you time to think,” Ellen cuts her off. “You’ll let me know once you come up with something, right?” 

Portia sighs. “Yes, Ellen.” 

Ellen smiles happily. “Good. And by the way, I like that answer. ‘Yes, Ellen.’ You should say it more often.” 

Portia can only snort, even though, somehow… her cheeks suddenly feel warm. 

Not so long after, they finally arrive in front of A Piece of Cake. 

“Thanks for the ride,” Portia says, unbuckling her seatbelt. “And thanks for coming to Sunny Day.” 

“No problem,” Ellen says. 

“And thanks for bringing a present for Miss Adler,” Portia goes on. She has to admit that she’s happy to see Ellen brought something for Miss Adler even though she told her that she didn’t need to. “The bouquet clearly made her very happy. So, thank you.” 

“You don’t have to thank me,” Ellen says. “But…”

“But what?”

Ellen smiles hesitantly, and her cool demeanor disappears into thin air. She looks a little nervous and awkward now. 

“I’m actually not sure about this because I’m afraid that you’re going to throw it back to my face.” 

Portia doesn’t understand. 

“But speaking of flowers… and because you seem to be in such a good mood today…”

“What is it?” Portia is still lost. 

Ellen reaches to the back seat and when she pulls her hand again, she'is holding a bouquet of red tulips and blue irises that looks so beautiful it makes Portia gasp. 

“When I was at the florist to buy the bouquet for Miss Adler, I saw this and I thought of you,” Ellen says. “At that time, the idea to buy you some flowers sounded so great. But when I arrived at Sunny Day, I wasn’t so sure anymore, I was scared that you’re going to refuse it. Well, just so you know, a refusal in front of everybody isn’t something I want to experience.” 

Portia can only stare at the bouquet and Ellen alternately, completely in awe. 

“So when you said that I can give you a ride back to your shop, I thought that I’d finally be able to give this to you.” Ellen hands the bouquet towards Portia with a sheepish smile. “So, this is for you. Please don’t throw it to my face.” 

Still in a shock, Portia takes the colorful bouquet of flowers that she thinks is the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen. Words, even a simple thank you, has just escaped her mind. 

“A dozen of red tulips and a dozen of blue irises. The florist told me that this is the right choice to make my lover’s heart flutters,” Ellen continues. “I told her that she’s wrong. I bought this for my fiancée, not for my lover.” 

Portia stares at Ellen and feels her heart beats two, if not three times faster. Oh, hell. Seems like the florist was right after all. 

Portia blinks and shakes her head slowly to clear her mind. “If I…” her voice sounds really weird. Portia clears her throat and tries again. “If I refused your offer to drive me back here, what would you do to these flowers?” 

“I’d still give it to you. If you’d refused my offer, I would’ve come up with lots of reasons for you to come with me to my car just for a minute. That way I could give you the flowers without causing a scene in the middle of Sunny Day.” 

Portia rises her eyebrows. “I thought you like causing scenes.” 

“Well, we can’t possibly ruin Miss Adler’s special day, can we?” 

Ellen’s right. If Ellen gave these flowers to her at Sunny Day, everybody would be so excited and they’d get all the attention instead of the birthday woman herself. 

“So,” Ellen says again hesitantly, “do you like it?” 

Portia looks down to the flowers and smiles. “Yes,” she says. Then she lifts her face and looks at Ellen. “I love it.” 

Ellen breathes out in relief and her smile appears. “Great.” 

“Thank you,” Portia adds, though a little late.

Ellen only shrugs. 

They stare at each other for a couple of seconds. Portia has known since 10 years ago that Ellen’s inborn blue eyes can always captivate and hypnotize anybody she’s looking at. Including herself, back then. And now she’s feeling it again. Besides her heart racing, Portia suddenly feels like she’s out of breath as well. She needs more oxygen. Right now. She quickly looks away and says, “I guess I better hop out now.”

“Alright,” Ellen says lightly. 

Portia opens the door and steps to the pavement. The cold air welcomes her and makes her shiver for a moment. Ellen steps out of her car too. 

“Thanks again for the ride,” Portia says. 

“I’ll see you tonight?” Ellen asks.

Oh, of course. Dinner at the Ramses. “Yeah, sure,” she says. 

Ellen smiles. She waves her hand and gets back inside her car. 

Portia waves back with her free hand. After Ellen’s car disappears, Portia takes a deep breath and breathes it out slowly. Then she looks down to the bouquet and gradually, her lips form a wide smile.