Tu Es Mon Soleil - Chapter 26

“There you go. You’re daydreaming again.”

 

Portia blinked and looked up to Jennifer who was sitting in front of her. “Sorry, what was that?” she mumbled.

 

Jennifer sighed and leaned her back to the chair. “See? I’m right. You didn’t even hear a word I said.”

 

Portia didn’t deny her friend’s statement. She only smiled apologetically and sipped her tea slowly.

 

Tonight was the night of Dee Black Dance Company’s premiere show in NYC, and eventhough deep down inside Portia wasn’t that excited to attend the show – because it reminded her of the fact that she would never be able to reach her dream to dance on the big stage – she already made a promise to go with Jennifer. She had also promised to come to support Aaron. So here she was, sitting at one of the cafes in the lobby of the building with Jen, waiting for the gates to be opened. 

 

“What’s on your mind, Portia?”

 

Portia focused back on her friend. “What do you mean?”

 

Jennifer leaned over and stared at Portia. “You’ve been sad and screwed up these days. You’re very quiet. You daydream a lot. You always look pale and you…” Jennifer stopped and took a deep breath. “Look, I'm not gonna push you into telling me what’s burdening your mind. I just want you to know that if you ever need someone to talk to, I’ll always be here. I may not help much, but I think I’m a pretty good listener.”

 

Portia gulped and tried to breathe. Her chest acted up again. One of her hands automatically brought up to her chest while she forced a smile to Jennifer. “Thank you so much, Jen, but I’m okay. I’m perfectly fine and you don’t need to worry at all.”

 

Jennifer returned the smile and quickly changed the subject. “So, how’s it going with your friend from Dee Black DC? What’s his name? Aaron?”

 

Portia sighed in relief and smiled. “We’re just friends and you know it. I mean, you know that I’m not really into….”

 

“Guys. I know,” Jen cut in and laughed. “It’s just that you’ve been spending a LOT amount of time with him and I was kinda wondering if maybe you turn straight or bi or whatsoever,” Jen teased Portia.

 

Portia laughed. “Not happening, my friend. Sorry… Well, actually, not so much. You know, this might be a golden chance for you. I can introduce you to him and—“

 

“Brilliant!” Jennifer squealed in excitement. “Okay, okay, but first, tell me, why did you spend so much time with him?”

 

Portia frowned jokingly and said, “Well, we’re friends. I mean, Aaron will go back to Miami after their shows here, so I thought there’s nothing wrong with accompanying him while he’s here. After all, we haven’t seen each other in a long time.”

 

Yes, that’s the reason she’s been spending most of her time with Aaron and her old friends at the Dee Black’s studio in Broadway. At least, that was the reason she told herself. Not because she felt lonely. Not because she needed to feel the void and emptiness in her days. Not because she wanted to get Ellen DeGeneres off of her head.

 

If so, how did you end up standing in front of her apartment building last night? she asked herself. 

 

Portia shook her head, trying to escape from the little voices in her head. Last night, when she was about to go back to her apartment from Dee Black’s studio, she found herself stopping her yellow Beetle in front of Ellen’s apartment building in Riverside Drive. Portia had no idea what had driven her to end up in front of Ellen’s place. She had no idea what was on her mind. Feeling stupid and sure that she had started to lose a bit of her sanity, she had hurriedly took off without doing anything further.

 

“See? Daydreaming again!”

 

“Am not,” Portia denied, though she knew Jennifer was right.

 

Jennifer shrugged defeatedly and looked around. “By the way, I need to go to the bathroom. You wanna come?”

 

Portia shook her head. “I’ll just wait here.”

 

Jen smiled. “Please, proceed your daydreaming activity until I get back here.”

 

After Jen left, Portia sighed quietly and sat in silence. She was about to drown back into her thoughts when her cellphone rang. She pulled out her phone from her purse and stunned when she saw the name on the screen.

 

Ellen DeGeneres.

 

Portia put down her phone on the table, letting it rings and vibrates. At the end, the ringing would stop and Portia was really determined to let it stop on its account. She wouldn’t answer the phone. She didn’t want to.

 

After a while, her phone stopped ringing and vibrating. Right after that that Portia was able to release her breath. 

 

“How long are you planning on avoiding me?”

 

Portia completely jolted on her seat, not suspecting at all that the flat-monotone voice that had been haunting her for the last days would appear next to her. She looked up quickly and was immediately met by Ellen’s blue eyes.

 

Portia couldn’t say a word. Her mind was blank. She didn’t say anything. She could only stare at Ellen while the other woman took Jen’s seat.

 

Ellen stared at Portia straightly in the eyes. “Tell me, when will you stop avoiding me?” she asked one more time, snapping Portia out of her trance. “And don’t you dare saying that you’re not avoiding me because I just witnessed you ignoring my call.”

 

Portia sighed and looked away.

“Alright,” she muttered. “What do you want?”

 

Ellen didn’t answer. She glared at Portia and asked again, “Why are you avoiding me?”

 

“I only avoid people who wants to be avoided.”

 

“What?” Ellen frowned. “You think I want you to avoid me?”

 

Portia shrugged. “If I really want to be avoided by you, why do you think I’d call you hundreds of times? Why do you think I’ve been trying so hard to see you in person?” Ellen replied with a hint of frustration in her voice.

 

That had risen up Portia’s annoyance. “Well, I don’t know,” she snapped curtly. “Last time I checked, you clearly stated that you don’t want to have anything to do with me, Ellen.”

 

Ellen opened her mouth, wanted to deny Portia’s statement, but then closed her mouth again. Her face mirroring the anger and frustration in her heart, but she tried to restrain herself. Not hearing anything from Ellen, Portia sighed sharply and forced herself to look at the woman in front of her. “Ellen, what is it that you want?” she asked flatly.

 

“I….” Ellen breathed in and exhaled slowly. “I am sorry.”

 

Portia’s eyes widened in silence but she didn’t say anything. “Listen, de Rossi,” Ellen said and leaned closer to Portia. “I don’t remember what exactly I said to you, but I’m dead sure that I didn’t intend to ask you to stay away from me. I know what I said to you must’ve come out very wrong, so I’m sorry.”

 

Portia stared into Ellen’s eyes deeply, trying to see Ellen’s intention. But oh yeah, all Portia could see was sincerity. She could also see nervousness there. Portia almost cracked a smile. Well, who would’ve thought that the Ellen DeGeneres could feel nervous in front of Portia de Rossi?

 

“You yelled at me,” Portia said, still with the flat and cold tone. 

 

Ellen grimaced. “I’m also really sorry about that,” she mumbled. Portia wanted to stay mad at Ellen, but she knew full-well she wouldn’t be able to do that. To be honest, when she looked up and saw Ellen stood before her, she knew that she wasn’t angry anymore towards that woman.

 

As though she could read Portia’s mind and knew that she was forgiven already, Ellen smiled and said, “You know what? If you hadn’t been so busy avoiding me all this time, you could’ve heard my apology so much sooner.”

 

Portia snorted and rolled her eyes, but wasn’t able to hide her smile.

 

“So, how are you?”

 

Portia caught that Ellen’s tone was softening, and this little fact had made her heart jumped around uncontrollably. Oh, this was ridiculous. Why should she turn into a ridiculous human being whenever she’s close to Ellen? Portia licked her lips, cleared her throat and nodded.

 

“Good,” she replied. She glanced at Ellen and asked back, “You?”

 

Ellen lifted her left hand which was still bandaged. “All good,” she said. “I can drive now. And soon, I will be able to play piano, too.”

 

“Good for you.”

 

Ellen fixated her eyes on Portia. “You’re really doing good? No more relapses after the last time?”

 

Portia hesitated for a while. She hadn’t relapsed after the last time she was with Ellen, but her chest had been really uncomfortable to her these days. She also noticed that she got tired a lot sooner than she usually did. But Ellen didn’t need to know about all this. After seeing the woman’s reaction upon knowing Portia’s heart condition, Portia wouldn’t take a risk on adding up things that even her doctor hadn’t known for sure. Not now, when she and Ellen had just reconciled. 

 

She sighed inside her heart. She would need to report her condition to her doctor even if it’d do her no good after all.

 

“De Rossi?”

 

Portia blinked and looked at Ellen. “Uh… No. No more relapses,” she said when she remembered Ellen’s question.

 

“You sleep well?”

 

A hint of grim smile appeared on Portia’s lips. But only for so long. “Not really,” she responded, decided to tell the truth.

 

“Well, you’re not alone in that case,” Ellen muttered.

 

When Portia wanted to ask what Ellen meant, she was cut in by Jennifer who just got back to their table. She looked up to her friend who was staring at Ellen with a wide smile.

 

“Hello,” Jennifer greeted, stretching out her hand towards Ellen. “I’m Jennifer Anniston, Portia’s friend. You must be Ellen, Regina’s friend, right?”

 

Ellen stood up and shook Jen’s hand. “Yeah. Ellen DeGeneres. Nice to meet you,” Ellen replied and smiled. “And, yes, I must admit that Regina is my friend.”

 

“I’ve heard a lot of stories about you,” Jennifer said. She sat on the chair next to Portia, not noticing Portia throwing a deadly glare on her.

 

Ellen also got back to her seat. “Yeah? What kind of stories?”

 

“What took you so long in the bathroom?” Portia asked Jennifer. From the corner of her eye, she could see Ellen smiled in amusement and she knew that Ellen understood the change of topic.

 

“Long?” Jennifer repeated and raised her eyebrows. “I don’t think I was that long.”

 

At that moment, Ellen’s phone suddenly rang. “Yes, Andy?” she said after she brought up her phone to her ear. She fell silent, listening, then sighed. “No, I didn’t forget. I’ll be there in a minute. And stop being so dramatic.”

 

Portia looked to Ellen when she hung up and put her phone back to her pocket. “What’s with Andy?” she asked.

 

Ellen cringed. “He only wanted to remind me that we’ll have dinner with my producers tonight,” she grumbled. “I better get going.”

 

Portia blinked in surprise. “Right now?” she asked. “Aren’t you going to see the show?”

 

Ellen threw a small smile at Portia. “Nope,” she said lightly.

 

“So?”

 

Ellen shrugged. “You’ve been avoiding me. You don’t pick up my calls. So I thought that you wouldn’t be able to avoid me if I come to see you here.” She stood up and shook Jennifer’s hand again. “Once again, it’s really nice to meet you, Jennifer. Sorry, I gotta run now.” After that, she looked at Portia and smiled. “Make sure you answer my calls from now on,” she warned her before turning away and left. 

 

Portia was bemused. What did she say? Ellen came here only to see her?

 

“Oh my gosh, she’s sooo into you.”

 

“What?” Portia looked to her friend.

 

Jennifer sighed staring at Ellen’s back who was walking away from them, then back at Portia. “She likes you, Portia.”

 

Jennifer’s words had caused an appearance of strange feelings in Portia’s heart. It’s like a warm and nice feeling that had made her lips curved a smile subconsciously. And even after she smiled, she shook her head, denying Jennifer’s words.

 

“I see she got you your smile back.”

 

Portia stared at her friend confusedly. “Huh?”

 

“You’ve been so gloomy these days. This is the first time I see you smiling. Like, a real smile, not a polite or forced smile.”

 

Portia sipped her tea without a word.

 

Jennifer blinked, realizing something. “Oh, god, you also like-“

 

“No,” Portia interjected sharply and looked to her friend in panic. Seeing Jennifer’s wide eyes, Portia gulped and said softly, “No, not like that.”

 

She knew what Jennifer was going to say, but she didn’t want to hear it. She didn’t want to admit it, but deep down inside, she knew she felt that way. She couldn’t think about that. That’s why she wouldn’t let Jennifer to say it. If Jennifer said it, everything would feel so real and Portia would be forced to face it.

 

It’d be so much easier if she pretended that that particular feeling didn’t exist. So, that’s what she’s going to do.

 

Jennifer stared at Portia and smiled vaguely. “Yeah? Then why did you smile and look so happy immediately right after you saw her?”

 

“I was…. I’m….” Portia stuttered, not knowing what to say.

 

“Hi, guys.”

 

Portia and Jennifer looked to Regina who had suddenly appeared from thin air. “Hi, Regina,” Portia greeted and smiled, relieved to know she had just escaped Jennifer’s question. 

 

“May I sit here?” Regina asked, looking at Portia and Jennifer alternately. 

 

“Sure,” Jennifer said. “You come here by yourself?”

 

“Yeah, sort of,” Regina seemed to behave a bit awkwardly and Portia knew that she behaved that way because of her. She hadn’t seen Regina at all after she spilled her feelings towards Portia and left just like that. No wonder that right now Regina was nervous to be around.

 

Portia sighed inside her heart. She had no idea why Regina had decided to spill her feelings in all of a sudden. Well, actually she did know, but she had tried to avoid Regina from doing so. She noticed that Regina had a special feeling towards her, but she had never done anything that indicated that the feeling was mutual. She treated Regina like any of her friends.

 

According to Portia, it had always been something unpractical whenever somebody told her their feelings towards her, because after that, she would need to think about a nice and soft way to refuse them. Oh yeah, she would refuse. Right now, she already had her share of problems without needing to add love and relationship in it. One of the main reasons, of course, was her health condition. Think about it, with such condition, did she really need to think about love? Yeah, right.

 

“If I wasn’t mistaken, I kinda saw Ellen walked out the door,” Regina said with a questioning tone.

 

“Yeah, your friend stopped by,” Jennifer was the one who answered. “Oh? I thought she wasn’t going to come because she has another appointment tonight.”

 

“She does. She only came to see Portia,” again, Jennifer was the one who responded. 

 

Regina looked to Portia. “She came to see you?”

 

Portia nodded. “Yes.”

 

“Did she give you a hard time?”

 

Portia raised her eyebrows confusedly. “Give me a hard time? What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

Regina smiled bitterly. “Her mood isn’t in a really good state these days. I have no idea what’s happening to her, but she seems to be screwed up, always cranky, and is angry towards anybody,” she explained. “That’s why I asked why did she come to see you. I hope she didn’t give you a hard time.”

 

“No,” Portia said. “No, she didn’t at all.” 

 

Portia was a bit confused because Ellen didn’t seem to be upset or angry at all earlier.

 

 

“So, why did she come to see you?” Regina asked.

 

Portia snapped up. She couldn’t tell the real story to Regina. Because if Portia told Regina that Ellen had come to apologize, then Portia would need to tell Regina that they had a fight, which would bring them to the story of her health condition. 

 

She couldn’t possibly tell Regina. 

 

“Portia? Why did Ellen come to see you?” Regina asked again. She wasn’t pushing Portia, she was merely curious.

 

“Oh, that…” Portia tried to spin the wheels inside her brain to find a good and logical excuse.

 

“Regina, you want to have something? I already called the waiter here,” Jennifer interjected. 

 

Regina looked to the waiter when he approached their table. After the waiter noted Regina’s order and walked away, Jennifer quickly dragged Regina to a whole new conversation that didn’t relate to Ellen at all. Portia sighed in relief when she saw that Regina was distracted and seemed to forget about her question earlier. 

 

Jennifer leaned over to Portia a bit and whispered, “You owe me.” 

 

Portia smiled. “I know,” she whispered back. “Thanks.”

 

Then her phone suddenly rang. She pulled it out and read the name on the screen. Ellen DeGeneres. She glanced at her 2 friends who was busy talking before she turned her sitting position a bit and put her phone on her ear.

 

“Hello?” she mumbled softly.

 

“De Rossi?” Ellen’s voice was heard on the other side.

 

 Portia didn’t know why, but only by hearing Ellen’s voice on the phone had made her lips curved yet another smile tonight “Yes,” she replied. “What’s up?”

 

“Just wanting to make sure that you pick up my call.”

 

Portia snorted, though her lips were still smiling. She was almost sure that Ellen must also be smiling on the other side. 

 

“So…. are you coming to my place tomorrow morning?” Ellen asked. 

 

Portia felt that it’d do her no good to pretend that she didn’t understand what Ellen meant. So she asked her back, “You still want me to come to your apartment?”

 

“I do.”

 

Portia was silent for a while before finally said, “Okay.”

 

She could hear the clear tone of relief on Ellen’s voice when the woman said, “Great. Because I desperately need…” a second of pause, “….your coffee. I really need your coffee.”

 

Portia laughed a bit. “You are pathetic. How would you live without me?” she joked. 

 

There’s a silence on the line. Portia wondered if their phoneline was suddenly disconnected. She was about to open her mouth to say Ellen’s name when she heard Ellen replied with a serious tone, “I don’t know. I can’t imagine.”